Showing posts with label Short Story 2013. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Short Story 2013. Show all posts
Thursday, 31 October 2013
Sunday, 15 September 2013
Thursday, 15 August 2013
Short Story 2013, Featured Writer Amit Shankar Saha
Story of Nan Phu
The story of Nan Phu is not a story. That is to say, it is not fiction. It is real because many people, who are euphemistically called children, believe in it. Is it not what we believe to be real that is real for us? And frankly there is no other criterion to test the reality.
The story of Nan Phu is not a story. That is to say, it is not fiction. It is real because many people, who are euphemistically called children, believe in it. Is it not what we believe to be real that is real for us? And frankly there is no other criterion to test the reality.
So this story, which is not a story but reality, is about a boy called Nan Phu, who lived in the village of Bumboret a long time ago. He belonged to the Kalash tribe who populated the Chitral Mountains since time immemorial and they are known for their megalithic stone circles and ibex horn carvings. We all know, and children believe, that there were once ancient times when charms and magic and sorcery and witchcraft prevailed. The people of the Kalash tribe, since they retained the customs, traditions and lifestyle of ancient times, possessed the knowledge the advancement of civilisation made scarce, if not extinct, in other people. As part of this tribe Nan Phu was in possession of such esoteric knowledge.
In fact it was not knowledge but a box. Inside the box was a gate. Inside the gate was a world. Inside that world was another Bumboret village. And inside that village was another Nan Phu. This other Nan Phu also had a box, which had a gate that led back to this Nan Phu’s world. The only difference between the world outside the box and the world inside the box was that there was magic still prevailing in the world inside the box. And Nan Phu, not only the one inside the box but also the one outside the box, knew this.
It was a time when the British officer Alexander Burnes was tracing the footsteps of his illustrious namesake, Alexander the Great, in search of the famous altars of the Macedonian monarch. Alexander Burnes had a contingent of British officers with him, many with families waiting for them in Calcutta, the British administrative centre of India. For some days the men camped at Rumbur and in this time, one by one, the officers from Calcutta received news of the deaths of their children. The tropical climate of Gangetic Bengal played with the lives of British young ones, who lacked the immunity to withstand the onslaught of cholera and malaria.
In their imperialist zeal, the ambitious British officers had crossed the high seas and reached the land called India. But their colonial project did not find favour with the Druids and the Picts and the Elves and the Gnomes and the Goblins who for ages had protected the British children and provided them immunity from the scourge of diseases. Thus, in Calcutta, the unguarded children of the British officers became the victims of their fathers’ thoughtless ambition.
When all the officers accompanying Alexander Burnes went into mourning and he was left alone, he went on a walking tour of the vicinity of Rumbur. That was how he came to Bumboret and met Nan Phu. Though they did not speak with each other, since each one’s language was alien to the other, Nan Phu could read Burnes’s mind. Nan Phu, who still retained the remnants of magic from ancient times, could see through the eyes of Burnes the graves in Calcutta where the dead English children writhed and where the yet-to-be-born pleaded futilely with the Druids and the Picts and the Elves and the Gnomes and the Goblins for protection. It was then that Nan Phu decided to help the children. What was the use of the magic – or at least a box that held the gateway into a magical world – if not to do good to others?
It was a cloudy day when Nan Phu entered the gate inside the box. But he did not know that the clouds forebode a warning. So when he reached the other world, the world where charms and magic and sorcery and witchcraft still prevailed, he found it raining. The Indus thundered treacherously and anyone who was not a master of magic could well be carried away by the raging river. Nan Phu had unwittingly risked his life and his condition was precarious. He was wet in the rain and the flooded river’s current pulled at his feet. Luckily the other Nan Phu, the one of the magical world, had an intuition of his arrival and was ready to meet and protect his counterpart from the other world. Just as the rolling stones gave way beneath Nan Phu’s feet, a hand clutched his hand. They met – the two Nan Phus.
Instantly, to the surprise of the newly arrived Nan Phu, the rain stopped and the river sank back to its original level. Clouds dispersed. The sun came up. Seeing the quizzical look on the face of his counterpart, the Nan Phu of the magical world said: “The purpose of the river’s flooding was to put your life in peril and probably drown you. But since I have saved you, nature has abandoned its pursuit. That is how things happen in this world. You should have noticed the omen of the clouds before entering the box.
“Oh!” The speaker continued, “I am Nan Phu of this world. Call me ‘Phu’ because that is the name given to us by the magical world. I will call you ‘Nan’ because that is the name given to us by the world where magic has faded.”
In response Nan could only say, “Phu.”
“Yes.”
Soon Nan recovered from the shock of his brush with death. He liked Phu, whom he had always wanted to meet. He told him the purpose of his visit. Phu became pensive.
After a while Phu spoke. “You will have to travel to Ganok. To the Factory of Potions. That is where you will get the cure for the diseases that afflict the British children in Calcutta.”
Nan said excitedly, “Then I’ll go there this very moment. I have heard of the village of Ganok in my world and I will find my way there. Will you accompany me?”
“Sure, I’ll go with you. But it is a long journey. We will have to halt at Olthingthang. My pet ibex will guide us.”
Nan could not help but believe that Phu had a pet ibex. It seemed incredulous to him until he saw the creature with his own eyes, obediently following Phu’s commands.
After a while both Nan and Phu were on their way to Olthingthang, following Phu’s ibex. For Nan, this world was same as the world he had left behind, except he had an uncanny feeling that magic lurked in every cranny. When they reached Olthingthang, Nan found that despite walking a long time, he strangely felt no tiredness. He wanted to continue the journey. But Phu warned that even though the people do not feel any tiredness in the world of magic, the body’s muscles do become worn and so the boys must rest and eat something. The people in Olthingthang were just as the people Nan would have encountered in his own world, except for the many stares they received due to the two boys’ identical looks.
After a while, the two boys returned to walking, following the ibex. They crossed the turbulent river Tui and reached Ganok. It was then that Nan noticed the difference. The megalithic stone circles, which in his world were in ruins, were not so in this world. In Ganok the stone circle stood in full grandeur and inside it was the Factory of Potions.
As they neared the factory they had to jostle through the crowd to reach the stone gate. There were queues to enter. Soon they became a part of the sinuous line of people proceeding towards the gate. There were all sorts of people – some looked ordinary, some extraordinary. There were jugglers and conjurers; some wore coats and some wore rags; some were talking and some were silent; some made faces and some stood expressionless; some were white and some were black; and some were lookalikes like the boys. Once inside the gate the crowd dispersed. Though the Factory of Potions did not look like a big building capable of housing very many people, it appeared that people vanished once they entered the building. An old woman who was in the queue just ahead of the boys was nowhere to be found once she had entered the building.
At the reception desk Nan and Phu spoke to the receptionist, a woman in a suit, who directed them into an antechamber, where a group of men and women sat around a long table. They were clearly very important as was evident from their looks.
Phu spoke first and explained the purpose of the boys’ visit. Then Nan gave a description of the deplorable condition of the British children living in Calcutta. The men and women who mattered looked glum. A voice at the far end of the table rose and explained that they have already allotted the sought after cures to somebody. So it was not possible to re-allot the same. Nan lowered his eyelids and the curve of his lips arched. Phu said, “Isn’t there any other remedy?”
The voice at the other end spoke again, “I am afraid, no. In course of time the remedies will come to the world where magic has faded through the discoveries of Fleming, Ross and others. That is how knowledge is dispersed in that world of lost magic.”
Nan exclaimed “In course of time! Not immediately!”
“The cures have been made available to scientists but it will take years to recreate them in the non-magical world.”
Nan was at a loss for words. Phu was in thought. It was Phu who suggested, “What if Nan promises to deliver the cures immediately on reaching his world? Will that not expedite the delivery mechanism and save lives of children? I know that the council works by age-old rules but it is the exception that makes the rule. So why not make that exception now.”
The heads around the table entered into a consultation among themselves. And after a lengthy deliberation the voice at the end of the table rose again: “We have decided to give you the immunity potion instead if you promise to deliver it immediately to the needy on reaching your world.”
Nan’s face widened with a smile.
When Nan and Phu came out of the megalithic stone circle, they looked back and saw the Factory of Potions dissolving into thin air. Phu explained to the confused Nan that the Factory of Potions has exhausted its purpose serving them and so it need not exist anymore. That it how things work in the land of charms and magic and sorcery and witchcraft. Then, following the ibex, the two boys retraced their path back to Bumboret. They had the immunity potion with them.
Nan thanked Phu before he entered Phu’s box and passed through the gate inside. He came back to his own world and was surprised to find that everything was just as when he had left. The clouds were still there but immediately cleared. It seemed that while he was in that other world time had stood still here. But he had no time to keep thinking it over because he had to reach Calcutta as soon as possible.
Nan Phu’s journey from Bumboret to Calcutta is the stuff of legends. Although on returning to his village, he had written it down, but the old Kalash language became extinct and the story became undecipherable. In course of time many pages of the manuscript were destroyed in the turmoil of history. What little remained extant were interpreted by the eminent Dr. Rama, Dr. Gama and Dr. Dgama variously.
Through oral tradition it is known, and the children believe, that Nan Phu did come to Calcutta, crossing the passes at Skardu and journeying through Deoli, Shamli, Dehra, and Naini to Brahmganj to Berhampore to Barrackpore and finally to Calcutta. A Bengali folklore about Nondor Ma, whose medicinal potions cured many white children in Calcutta when the Western doctors failed to bring them relief, mentions the name of Nan Phu.
Perhaps Nondor Ma was the same old woman who stood in the queue ahead of Nan Phu in the Factory of Potions. It was through her that it is known that a boy had come from the northwest who sowed the immunity potion in the soil of Calcutta, mixed it in the waters of the Hooghly, blew it in the air of the city, and even hid it in books in the libraries. The white children gradually stopped dying, and the Druids and the Picts and the Elves and the Gnomes and the Goblins were all very happy and thankful to Nan Phu for what he had done. And all the white children of that time were happy and thankful to Nan Phu for bringing the potion of immunity into the land of tropical diseases and saving their lives.
And this is in short the story of Nan Phu.
Or in fact, this is not the story but the reality of Nan Phu – for many people, who are euphemistically called children, still believe that he existed.
Short Story 2013 Shortlist, Jose Varghese
Ronnie Lives
It started with two dreams. In the first one Ronnie saw himself in a wheelchair. He was perhaps ten years older than he was, in his mid forties. He sat on the chair with a contented look, an open book on his lap and the fingers of his right hand over them. His left hand rested on the stump where his left thigh ended. There was no sense of discomfort in his mind. It all seemed convenient. It seemed as if the missing part of his left leg had stopped bothering him long time back. It was perhaps the full right leg that has become an encumbrance, he thought, in his dream.
The second dream was even more vivid, and involved an entire incident from his childhood, when he was seven or eight years old. It was just one among the many incidents out of his life, and he even wondered why a real incident from the past could occur as a dream. Perhaps it could be seen as an incident that was representative of many similar ones that left him flustered. And this time in his dream, he was outside his mind, though not entirely. He watched it as if it unfurled on a movie screen, but at the same time, he was able to get into the young Ronnie’s mind whenever he wished. It was in a flash-back mode as well, and went on like this:
“Beat me up if you believe I did that”, Ronnie’s eyes glistened on the verge of insanity as his Dad approached him. But Dad was a gentle creature, and was only trying to find out the truth. That infuriated Ronnie more. Why can’t he be convinced of my genuineness? – he thought.
It all happened over a confusion at school. Two boys with the same names. Ronnie was not a good boy all the time, but he was never into bullying the little boys. The other Ronnie was. And he even hit his victim on the chin when things didn’t go his way. There was blood, and tears. Things got really mixed up. The headmaster was after the Ronnie who did it, but circumstances were against the Ronnie who didn’t do it. The latter was found playing with the victim just minutes before he was hit and was bleeding and crying uselessly, unable to even speak a word. The Ronnie who did it had escaped. No one knew where he was.
The headmaster questioned him. He was embarrassed to be accused of what he hadn’t done, but tried to recount the whole story. “I was playing with the boy. He is from our neighbourhood and we know each other. Then I had a headache and went to the washroom. When i walked back to class I saw a crowd near the place where we were playing. I didn’t know what was happening...”
“That’s a smart way of avoiding reality. I got the report that Ronnie Jacob did this. And you are Ronnie Jacob – right?”
“Yes I am’ – he wished he was not, but the truth had to be told. If only truth was accepted in its entirety!
“So, what kind of headaches do you get usually? Are they always the kind that makes you say ‘I didn’t know what was happening’?”
“No sir. My headaches are related to my eyes. They are just aches. They don’t make me do things I don’t usually do.”
“So you know what I am talking about, don’t you?”
The headmaster took his cane from the table and without waiting for more responses, started beating him. He thought the beating would stop after the third one – that was customary. But it went on. He just counted them in his mind, to divert himself from the pain and shame.
“One, two, three, four...on the left leg and five, six, seven, eight...on the right. The pain came back immediately and his hands couldn’t be controlled. They went to the red marks and moved over them as if the limbs were having a secret conversation, a pair of them wailing, and another pair of them consoling.
He just couldn’t believe that something like that could happen, to him. He didn’t really know what had happened to the boy who was injured and wondered why he didn’t speak out, and just sat on a chair, sobbing and looking at the wall as he was punished. He wondered why he couldn’t speak out more, in a convincing manner, and why an adult could not trust a child’s words. He didn’t know it then, but he was beginning to feel lost, in a world which didn’t care for the truth.
The fact that it was the other Ronnie who did it was revealed soon afterwards. But no one had the courage, or goodwill, to report it to the headmaster.
Even he saw the other, crouched in his chair in his not so violent mood. In fact, he looked scared. It was up to him now to take things further and clarify everything. But he didn’t have the energy for that. It was already too much for him that his words didn’t have any effect on the headmaster. And even if the one who did it was to be punished, was it going to take away the red marks from his legs? It was his mother who found out those marks and told his Dad about them, despite his futile attempt, the second one, to speak about the truth. And when his third attempt failed, as his Dad looked at him with suspicion, he lost his temper.
“You can chop off my legs if you want”, he shouted. His Dad stood next to him, looked downwards, and said, “Ronnie, you must calm down. This is not the time for another tantrum.”
The second dream stopped there, abruptly. Unperturbed by both dreams that happened a week ago, Ronnie sat on a bench by the small railway station. A few sparrows had gathered around his feet. He was now typing a quick email to his doctor. He knew that it would be read immediately. There was just enough time to make the final arrangements. He could trust only one man now.
The doctor was not just a surgeon in a government hospital for him. He had become something like a therapist. Ronnie was lucky to have found him; there were no good clinical psychologists outside India’s big cities. Ronnie let the sparrows come closer to his shoes by not moving his feet. He always seemed to be making space for others.
Ronnie felt ashamed of his inability to communicate; but he was also angry that other people lacked the insight to see how much he was suffering. His friends told him he thought too much. He certainly considered himself an intellectual. He believed that what he thought of as truth didn’t exist in the world in which he lived. No one could understand the person he wanted to be. It would even be blasphemous to live the life he wanted. None of the religions he knew could condone his strange desire.
He wanted to get rid of words. But words were important in his life. Words flowed out of him, scribbled on books and typed on his computer. He had written one hundred and sixty two poems altogether, which no one else had seen or read. He wrote stories as well, but only a few among them could be finished. The trouble was, there were too many words. He knew he needed to go beyond them.
Ronnie took a deep breath. There was a little more time and he wanted to use it productively. He opened his journal and began to write:
A few house sparrows have settled near my feet. I wonder what I would look like to someone who passes by. But no one usually comes this way. I am sitting on a damaged concrete bench by a nearly abandoned train station. Trains just pass through this station and only the local and slow ones stop here. And I am waiting for the Bangalore Express. Eyes fixed to my old Notebook’s screen, fingers moving undecidedly over alphabets that try to be truthful to what the web of neurons signal to my system.
Me and my Notebook, against the dust particles that fly and fall down on my shoes. We are denied free will, even of the transitory nature. We obey commands, the existence of which we don’t even realize at times. We try to be smart but make a mess of everything by our uninformed inventiveness. We rebel occasionally, only in attempts to get rid of that which we think invade us.
The bench carries the weight of a man’s thoughts and a machine’s heat. The man out of Dionysian dreams about to plunge into some unknown sphere of existence. The machine with its helpless Apollonian rationality about to witness, and play a significant part in, what follows. Nature keeps a knowing, watchful eye.
What if I fail?
Despite all my preparations, I can lose my life in this attempt. That would defeat the purpose of my perseverance. What I need to gain is life, with certain things altered.
It is not easy to be alone in a quest for identity, when the meaning itself of identity has been ripped off by essentialists. My friend who studied in some big Western university thinks these are the golden times of communities. He thinks there cannot be anyone left out with individual existential angst. When he saw me reading Kafka once, he laughed at the anachronism of a Third World citizen stuck in the drainpipes of European thoughts at the wake of Twenty First Century. He thought Gregor Samsa, a.k.a. Kafka, might be howling slogans in a Gay Parade or dancing in a nightclub if he lived to see this world now. How can he waste his time having apple-fights with his father and crying over his ‘metamorphosis’ behind a closed door? Try to imagine the guy in a Marilyn Monroe wig dancing to deejayed hiphop, and you will lose your appetite for grim books, he said.
I was silenced. I wanted to tell him that I would be happier with less, not more. But he wouldn’t have understood a word of what I had to say, lost in his newly-found all-knowing stupidity. His teenage wisdom told him that the art of life was to learn to live with, and make the most of, what we had in us.
I know that in a few minutes, others would think of me as a real fool. I need to roll up the left trouser leg. I need it to live with me, so I will roll it up just above my knee where I had tied some cloth tightly, just in case. My message might have reached the doctor by now, and he will come soon after the train passes by. But I am being cautious. I am almost sure that I will pass out, and I need to avoid fatal blood loss.
I am a bit worried about losing the part of leg I need, and of losing life as well, but the good doctor had explained a few things to me and showed me the way I have to keep the leg on the track. He knows the exact part from where I need to loose it, and he can look after that once I become his patient legally.
It was very kind of him. I was really surprised that he understood me. But he is the one who made full use of his years around the world. I respect him for his discerning mind which recognizes human misery. He thinks beyond stereotyped identity crises, and believes in an individual’s right to choose the life he needs. I choose life without my right leg from just above the knee.
I can imagine the initial hardships and financial constraints. Not to talk of social stigma, though the fools will never know why I put my leg under a speeding train. Despite all that, I can foresee my happiness if I succeed in this attempt. An end to my agony that was beyond any analyst or therapist. A pragmatic solution to the darkness that took birth with me in the form of an unwanted limb. It won’t be heaven, but I know that it would be a lesser hell for me.
I don’t think much of the invented new-age categories – Devotees, Amputees, Wannabees… I am going to live in a society which hasn’t heard of amputees by choice. I do not wish to partake in any of the thoughtless exploitation of mutual feelings through community building.
I hear a vibration over the rail-track that resonates with my senses swollen in anticipation.
The bums who could not even find a tree branch strong enough to hang themselves…The semi-crack who waited for death lying on a rail track as the train passed through some other track…A few people who tore off their genital organs in religious frenzy and threw them in the air…An old man who dreamt of an orgy before starting a trip of life and death in search of a boy his grandson’s age…
My resolve is not a fragile branch of tree. There is only one rail track in front of me. I am not misguided by mob psychology. I am not an old man in his death bed, tormented by late realizations.
My search for difference, a rare identity, leads me here. Sometimes, I feel like a character out of my stories.
Either way, this act serves a purpose. It proves something. It brings some change to an eventless life. Ronnie looked at his watch, shut down his Notebook, put it back on his bag and laid it on the bench. He walked towards the railway track. The train would be passing soon.
It started with two dreams. In the first one Ronnie saw himself in a wheelchair. He was perhaps ten years older than he was, in his mid forties. He sat on the chair with a contented look, an open book on his lap and the fingers of his right hand over them. His left hand rested on the stump where his left thigh ended. There was no sense of discomfort in his mind. It all seemed convenient. It seemed as if the missing part of his left leg had stopped bothering him long time back. It was perhaps the full right leg that has become an encumbrance, he thought, in his dream.
The second dream was even more vivid, and involved an entire incident from his childhood, when he was seven or eight years old. It was just one among the many incidents out of his life, and he even wondered why a real incident from the past could occur as a dream. Perhaps it could be seen as an incident that was representative of many similar ones that left him flustered. And this time in his dream, he was outside his mind, though not entirely. He watched it as if it unfurled on a movie screen, but at the same time, he was able to get into the young Ronnie’s mind whenever he wished. It was in a flash-back mode as well, and went on like this:
“Beat me up if you believe I did that”, Ronnie’s eyes glistened on the verge of insanity as his Dad approached him. But Dad was a gentle creature, and was only trying to find out the truth. That infuriated Ronnie more. Why can’t he be convinced of my genuineness? – he thought.
It all happened over a confusion at school. Two boys with the same names. Ronnie was not a good boy all the time, but he was never into bullying the little boys. The other Ronnie was. And he even hit his victim on the chin when things didn’t go his way. There was blood, and tears. Things got really mixed up. The headmaster was after the Ronnie who did it, but circumstances were against the Ronnie who didn’t do it. The latter was found playing with the victim just minutes before he was hit and was bleeding and crying uselessly, unable to even speak a word. The Ronnie who did it had escaped. No one knew where he was.
The headmaster questioned him. He was embarrassed to be accused of what he hadn’t done, but tried to recount the whole story. “I was playing with the boy. He is from our neighbourhood and we know each other. Then I had a headache and went to the washroom. When i walked back to class I saw a crowd near the place where we were playing. I didn’t know what was happening...”
“That’s a smart way of avoiding reality. I got the report that Ronnie Jacob did this. And you are Ronnie Jacob – right?”
“Yes I am’ – he wished he was not, but the truth had to be told. If only truth was accepted in its entirety!
“So, what kind of headaches do you get usually? Are they always the kind that makes you say ‘I didn’t know what was happening’?”
“No sir. My headaches are related to my eyes. They are just aches. They don’t make me do things I don’t usually do.”
“So you know what I am talking about, don’t you?”
The headmaster took his cane from the table and without waiting for more responses, started beating him. He thought the beating would stop after the third one – that was customary. But it went on. He just counted them in his mind, to divert himself from the pain and shame.
“One, two, three, four...on the left leg and five, six, seven, eight...on the right. The pain came back immediately and his hands couldn’t be controlled. They went to the red marks and moved over them as if the limbs were having a secret conversation, a pair of them wailing, and another pair of them consoling.
He just couldn’t believe that something like that could happen, to him. He didn’t really know what had happened to the boy who was injured and wondered why he didn’t speak out, and just sat on a chair, sobbing and looking at the wall as he was punished. He wondered why he couldn’t speak out more, in a convincing manner, and why an adult could not trust a child’s words. He didn’t know it then, but he was beginning to feel lost, in a world which didn’t care for the truth.
The fact that it was the other Ronnie who did it was revealed soon afterwards. But no one had the courage, or goodwill, to report it to the headmaster.
Even he saw the other, crouched in his chair in his not so violent mood. In fact, he looked scared. It was up to him now to take things further and clarify everything. But he didn’t have the energy for that. It was already too much for him that his words didn’t have any effect on the headmaster. And even if the one who did it was to be punished, was it going to take away the red marks from his legs? It was his mother who found out those marks and told his Dad about them, despite his futile attempt, the second one, to speak about the truth. And when his third attempt failed, as his Dad looked at him with suspicion, he lost his temper.
“You can chop off my legs if you want”, he shouted. His Dad stood next to him, looked downwards, and said, “Ronnie, you must calm down. This is not the time for another tantrum.”
The second dream stopped there, abruptly. Unperturbed by both dreams that happened a week ago, Ronnie sat on a bench by the small railway station. A few sparrows had gathered around his feet. He was now typing a quick email to his doctor. He knew that it would be read immediately. There was just enough time to make the final arrangements. He could trust only one man now.
The doctor was not just a surgeon in a government hospital for him. He had become something like a therapist. Ronnie was lucky to have found him; there were no good clinical psychologists outside India’s big cities. Ronnie let the sparrows come closer to his shoes by not moving his feet. He always seemed to be making space for others.
Ronnie felt ashamed of his inability to communicate; but he was also angry that other people lacked the insight to see how much he was suffering. His friends told him he thought too much. He certainly considered himself an intellectual. He believed that what he thought of as truth didn’t exist in the world in which he lived. No one could understand the person he wanted to be. It would even be blasphemous to live the life he wanted. None of the religions he knew could condone his strange desire.
He wanted to get rid of words. But words were important in his life. Words flowed out of him, scribbled on books and typed on his computer. He had written one hundred and sixty two poems altogether, which no one else had seen or read. He wrote stories as well, but only a few among them could be finished. The trouble was, there were too many words. He knew he needed to go beyond them.
Ronnie took a deep breath. There was a little more time and he wanted to use it productively. He opened his journal and began to write:
A few house sparrows have settled near my feet. I wonder what I would look like to someone who passes by. But no one usually comes this way. I am sitting on a damaged concrete bench by a nearly abandoned train station. Trains just pass through this station and only the local and slow ones stop here. And I am waiting for the Bangalore Express. Eyes fixed to my old Notebook’s screen, fingers moving undecidedly over alphabets that try to be truthful to what the web of neurons signal to my system.
Me and my Notebook, against the dust particles that fly and fall down on my shoes. We are denied free will, even of the transitory nature. We obey commands, the existence of which we don’t even realize at times. We try to be smart but make a mess of everything by our uninformed inventiveness. We rebel occasionally, only in attempts to get rid of that which we think invade us.
The bench carries the weight of a man’s thoughts and a machine’s heat. The man out of Dionysian dreams about to plunge into some unknown sphere of existence. The machine with its helpless Apollonian rationality about to witness, and play a significant part in, what follows. Nature keeps a knowing, watchful eye.
What if I fail?
Despite all my preparations, I can lose my life in this attempt. That would defeat the purpose of my perseverance. What I need to gain is life, with certain things altered.
It is not easy to be alone in a quest for identity, when the meaning itself of identity has been ripped off by essentialists. My friend who studied in some big Western university thinks these are the golden times of communities. He thinks there cannot be anyone left out with individual existential angst. When he saw me reading Kafka once, he laughed at the anachronism of a Third World citizen stuck in the drainpipes of European thoughts at the wake of Twenty First Century. He thought Gregor Samsa, a.k.a. Kafka, might be howling slogans in a Gay Parade or dancing in a nightclub if he lived to see this world now. How can he waste his time having apple-fights with his father and crying over his ‘metamorphosis’ behind a closed door? Try to imagine the guy in a Marilyn Monroe wig dancing to deejayed hiphop, and you will lose your appetite for grim books, he said.
I was silenced. I wanted to tell him that I would be happier with less, not more. But he wouldn’t have understood a word of what I had to say, lost in his newly-found all-knowing stupidity. His teenage wisdom told him that the art of life was to learn to live with, and make the most of, what we had in us.
I know that in a few minutes, others would think of me as a real fool. I need to roll up the left trouser leg. I need it to live with me, so I will roll it up just above my knee where I had tied some cloth tightly, just in case. My message might have reached the doctor by now, and he will come soon after the train passes by. But I am being cautious. I am almost sure that I will pass out, and I need to avoid fatal blood loss.
I am a bit worried about losing the part of leg I need, and of losing life as well, but the good doctor had explained a few things to me and showed me the way I have to keep the leg on the track. He knows the exact part from where I need to loose it, and he can look after that once I become his patient legally.
It was very kind of him. I was really surprised that he understood me. But he is the one who made full use of his years around the world. I respect him for his discerning mind which recognizes human misery. He thinks beyond stereotyped identity crises, and believes in an individual’s right to choose the life he needs. I choose life without my right leg from just above the knee.
I can imagine the initial hardships and financial constraints. Not to talk of social stigma, though the fools will never know why I put my leg under a speeding train. Despite all that, I can foresee my happiness if I succeed in this attempt. An end to my agony that was beyond any analyst or therapist. A pragmatic solution to the darkness that took birth with me in the form of an unwanted limb. It won’t be heaven, but I know that it would be a lesser hell for me.
I don’t think much of the invented new-age categories – Devotees, Amputees, Wannabees… I am going to live in a society which hasn’t heard of amputees by choice. I do not wish to partake in any of the thoughtless exploitation of mutual feelings through community building.
I hear a vibration over the rail-track that resonates with my senses swollen in anticipation.
The bums who could not even find a tree branch strong enough to hang themselves…The semi-crack who waited for death lying on a rail track as the train passed through some other track…A few people who tore off their genital organs in religious frenzy and threw them in the air…An old man who dreamt of an orgy before starting a trip of life and death in search of a boy his grandson’s age…
My resolve is not a fragile branch of tree. There is only one rail track in front of me. I am not misguided by mob psychology. I am not an old man in his death bed, tormented by late realizations.
My search for difference, a rare identity, leads me here. Sometimes, I feel like a character out of my stories.
Either way, this act serves a purpose. It proves something. It brings some change to an eventless life. Ronnie looked at his watch, shut down his Notebook, put it back on his bag and laid it on the bench. He walked towards the railway track. The train would be passing soon.
Short Story 2013 Shortlist, Diptee Raut
Escape
It was just another day in paradise. Nina was not meant to be there. Actually she was not meant to be dead at all. Come to think about it, it all seemed very absurd now.
Nina had gone for a vacation alone. She had always enjoyed lone vacations. They left her to do things as she pleased in her own way. So this year she had gone to Africa. It had been a grand experience. She had spent some great time sight seeing. Chatting up with locals had been fun. And nothing compared to sipping cold beer lying on the beach, swimming and diving. She had saved the best for the last, the Safari.
It was on the last day of her holidays. Nina had gone for gorilla tracking at Rwanda. Rwanda, she had heard, is the premier destination to track gorillas. And it’s not easy to find them.
She was in a group of 6 people. Everyone was excited. There were rules like: No eating or drinking in the vicinity of the gorillas, No touching the gorillas (although they may decide to touch you), No pointing at gorillas. But when she did sight a gorilla, she forgot the rule. She pointed out to the gorilla and shouted, “Look”. While the rest of the group looked, the gorilla also “looked”, at her.
He looked at Nina with blood shot eyes; he snarled; he pounced. Before she or anyone else could realise, he had gobbled her up. Just like that. She was dead and gone within seconds.
Next when she opened her eyes, it was all white around her; bright white. So white that all she could see was white. And only white. Slowly as her eyes got accustomed to the whiteness around her, she saw a white tall gate. So tall was it that when she looked up she could not see the top end of it. Beside the gate was a white wooden board with the words “Welcome To Paradise” engraved on it. Below that there were a few more word engraved, “A place in which existence is positive, harmonious and timeless”
Nina walked slowly towards the gate and pushed it open. As she walked in, the contrast hit her eyes. There were colours. All kinds of colours splattered all around. Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, Malachite, Gamboge, Razzmatazz, Xanadu and other colours she didn’t even know, existed. Wow, this looked interesting. It seemed like being dead was not such a bad thing after all. She was in fact secretly quite happy. Somewhere, for a long time, she had always expected to land up in hell after death (for reasons that cannot be explained here).
Nina noticed loads of people and non-people around. They were animate non-people like trees, animals, huge ice-cream cones, big pizza slices, enormous chocolate bars, short bamboo shoots, and other things she could not recognise. What was weird was that everyone was of the same height. As she turned around to look at the white gate that she had just entered, she noticed that everyone who entered either stretched or shrunk to the same height. So everyone was around 5.5 feet. Everyone was scattered around looking lost.
And then amongst the colours she noticed colourful counters with colourful beings behind it. Nina walked to the nearest counter. It read, “Overdose of arsenic”. She figured out that these were counters segregating everyone by the reason for their death. She started checking each of the counters one by one. Some were empty; some had many people/non-people standing in a queue in front. Some of the counters read the following: “Fell into the chimney”, “Got tangled in a spooling machine”, “Pierced by cacti”, “Crushed under sign boards” and finally “Eaten by Gorillas, Rhinoceros and Hippopotamus”.
Nina noticed the bamboo shoot standing at the last counter. She went and stood next to him. He looked at her and gave her a wide grin. She smiled back.
“Gorilla, Rhinoceros or Hippopotamus?” the bamboo shoot asked.
“Gorilla”, she replied, “and you?”
“Well, Rhinoceros. When did you hear of a Hippopotamus eating shoots?”
“Probably, when I realised that gorillas eat human”, she said a little annoyed. He seemed quite haughty.
He grinned again, “Yeah, weird things keep happening all the time.”
The thing at the counter handed over a pamphlet to them and directed them to another gate which was green in colour with red stripes. When they entered the gate, they were pleasantly surprised to see a very beautiful colony. There were lovely little cottages lined up on either side of the road. Trees of various kinds were planted all around. The roads were spick and span. Not many beings were around. She walked with the bamboo shoot. Suddenly he pointed to a cottage and said, “Hey, that’s got my name on it”, and skipped towards it without even waving a good bye to Nina.
As she walked she came across a house with her name on the name board. “Wow this place is awesome”, she thought. A beautiful little cottage like the ones she had read in fairytales as a kid; a lovely garden; a gravel pathway. So happy was she that she did a little jig before she entered the cottage.
The inside of the cottage was beautiful too. It had a nice fireplace with a couch; a lovely fur carpet; tastefully done up drapes and paintings adorning the walls. The bedroom had a lovely four poster bed with nice soft mattress and patchwork quilts. It had everything that she had always wanted in a house. Except - except for the fact that there was no kitchen. She shrugged and sat on the couch and started reading the pamphlet that was handed over to her at the counter.
It read something like this:
Dear Nina,
We are glad you are dead and we welcome you here in paradise. You have been sorted into the ‘Eaten by Gorillas, Rhinoceros and Hippopotamus’ colony. You are very lucky to have been eaten by a gorilla, because only the ones eaten by Gorillas, Rhinoceros and Hippopotamus get a place in paradise. Everyone else, eaten up by any other animal, lands in hell.
Well let us familiarise you with the procedures and other stuff.
Everything else that you need will be provided to you. Everything you want may not be provided
Have fun and a great stay at Paradise.
The Human Resources Department.
She put the paper aside and sighed. No food, no television, no books. This really didn’t sound too interesting. Just then she heard a knock on the door. She opened up to find a gigantic banana and a blob of something pink standing at her door way. Both were grinning.
“Hi” said the Banana. “We are your neighbours. I am Mr. B and this is Bubbles. I stay to the cottage on you left and Bubbles on the right.”
Nina smiled and asked them to come inside. She then realised that the pink blob was actually a chewed chewing gum. Mr. B was eaten up by a gorilla and Bubbles was, well, chewed and swallowed by a hippopotamus. They were nice guys. She had a great time chatting up with them all evening. Mr. B was quite funny and witty. Bubbles was a sweet shy lady. During their conversations she also realised that there was another human couple that lived just across the road, Mr. and Mrs. Trotter. Nina decided to go and meet them the next day.
That night Nina slept well. It was nice and snugly. If she ever felt cold the temperature would automatically rise to make her comfortable. This felt great.
Next day morning Nina went to meet Mr. and Mrs. Trottle. They were a nice couple but after a point she got really bored talking to them. Mr. and Mrs. Trottle had been eaten up by a rhinoceros when they were out with their son James. James had survived and gone on a long journey inside a giant peach. The peach was also there in paradise now in another colony. Mr. and Mrs. Trottle had once met up with the peach on special request from the authorities and they had heard about the entire journey.
So they told Nina about the whole story of James and the Giant peach and then they told her the story again, and again, and when they were done, they told her the story again. Finally she could not take it anymore and she left. She roamed around to realise that all the cottages and the gardens were exactly the same so there was nothing much to see. She went again to spend some time with Mr. B and bubbles. But their conversations were exactly the same as the day before. What had seemed like a fun conversation yesterday was annoying today.
The next day was even more boring. Nina had absolutely nothing new to do here. Another day and another day and finally a fortnight were over. Nina had explored every corner of the colony to find something new, something of interest, but all in vain.
Nina sat that day on her couch by the fireplace. She had to get out of this place. It was getting on to her. She had to find a way to get expelled. There had to be some way out. As she thought and she thought hard, her eyes fell on the rule pamphlet that she had got when she had arrived here. She started at it for a moment. An idea slowly sneaked into her mind. Her eyes opened up wide. She smiled to herself.
That night when everyone was fast asleep, Nina left her cottage softly. She quietly walked up to the next cottage and peeped in through the window. Mr. B was fast asleep. She climbed in through the window. She tip-toed and went and stood next to him. He was breathing peacefully. Nina took out a cloth from her pocket and gagged his mouth so that he could not scream. And then she started eating him. She ate him and ate him all night. He was a nice sweet banana. She wasn’t hungry but this was important. She had to breach a rule to get expelled. She kept on eating him. By the time she was done she had bloated to double her size.
Sick and satisfied she went back to her cottage. She slept till late the next morning and was awakened by a rude knocking on the door. She opened and found a group of paradise vigilante waiting outside.
“Madame, does this belong to you”, one asked showing her the cloth she had left behind at Mr. B’s cottage.
“Yes”, she answered as her heart skipped.
Please come with us. She walked out with them. They walked out of the colony. There was a glass house where they took her. Everything in the room inside was made of glass. The furniture, the window panes, the décor, even the photo frames were made of glass with glass as photographs. A woman was sitting behind a table there. She looked extremely authoritative and powerful. On the table was a glass name board.
Her name and designation was mentioned there. “Ms. God, Director, Human Resources”.
“I am sure you have realised that you have broken a rule here, Nina.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Do you have anything to say in your defence?”
“No, Ma’am.”
“You shall be punished for this”, said Ms. God with stealth in her voice.
“Yes Ma’am.”
“You shall be immediately deported to Hell,” She said sternly.
As Ms. God said that, everything around Nina went blank. It was black everywhere. It seemed like she was inside a whirlwind. Her head was hurting. She felt that she was suddenly dropping off a cliff. She was happy. At least she would get to see television now.
It was just another day in paradise. Nina was not meant to be there. Actually she was not meant to be dead at all. Come to think about it, it all seemed very absurd now.
Nina had gone for a vacation alone. She had always enjoyed lone vacations. They left her to do things as she pleased in her own way. So this year she had gone to Africa. It had been a grand experience. She had spent some great time sight seeing. Chatting up with locals had been fun. And nothing compared to sipping cold beer lying on the beach, swimming and diving. She had saved the best for the last, the Safari.
It was on the last day of her holidays. Nina had gone for gorilla tracking at Rwanda. Rwanda, she had heard, is the premier destination to track gorillas. And it’s not easy to find them.
She was in a group of 6 people. Everyone was excited. There were rules like: No eating or drinking in the vicinity of the gorillas, No touching the gorillas (although they may decide to touch you), No pointing at gorillas. But when she did sight a gorilla, she forgot the rule. She pointed out to the gorilla and shouted, “Look”. While the rest of the group looked, the gorilla also “looked”, at her.
He looked at Nina with blood shot eyes; he snarled; he pounced. Before she or anyone else could realise, he had gobbled her up. Just like that. She was dead and gone within seconds.
Next when she opened her eyes, it was all white around her; bright white. So white that all she could see was white. And only white. Slowly as her eyes got accustomed to the whiteness around her, she saw a white tall gate. So tall was it that when she looked up she could not see the top end of it. Beside the gate was a white wooden board with the words “Welcome To Paradise” engraved on it. Below that there were a few more word engraved, “A place in which existence is positive, harmonious and timeless”
Nina walked slowly towards the gate and pushed it open. As she walked in, the contrast hit her eyes. There were colours. All kinds of colours splattered all around. Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, Malachite, Gamboge, Razzmatazz, Xanadu and other colours she didn’t even know, existed. Wow, this looked interesting. It seemed like being dead was not such a bad thing after all. She was in fact secretly quite happy. Somewhere, for a long time, she had always expected to land up in hell after death (for reasons that cannot be explained here).
Nina noticed loads of people and non-people around. They were animate non-people like trees, animals, huge ice-cream cones, big pizza slices, enormous chocolate bars, short bamboo shoots, and other things she could not recognise. What was weird was that everyone was of the same height. As she turned around to look at the white gate that she had just entered, she noticed that everyone who entered either stretched or shrunk to the same height. So everyone was around 5.5 feet. Everyone was scattered around looking lost.
And then amongst the colours she noticed colourful counters with colourful beings behind it. Nina walked to the nearest counter. It read, “Overdose of arsenic”. She figured out that these were counters segregating everyone by the reason for their death. She started checking each of the counters one by one. Some were empty; some had many people/non-people standing in a queue in front. Some of the counters read the following: “Fell into the chimney”, “Got tangled in a spooling machine”, “Pierced by cacti”, “Crushed under sign boards” and finally “Eaten by Gorillas, Rhinoceros and Hippopotamus”.
Nina noticed the bamboo shoot standing at the last counter. She went and stood next to him. He looked at her and gave her a wide grin. She smiled back.
“Gorilla, Rhinoceros or Hippopotamus?” the bamboo shoot asked.
“Gorilla”, she replied, “and you?”
“Well, Rhinoceros. When did you hear of a Hippopotamus eating shoots?”
“Probably, when I realised that gorillas eat human”, she said a little annoyed. He seemed quite haughty.
He grinned again, “Yeah, weird things keep happening all the time.”
The thing at the counter handed over a pamphlet to them and directed them to another gate which was green in colour with red stripes. When they entered the gate, they were pleasantly surprised to see a very beautiful colony. There were lovely little cottages lined up on either side of the road. Trees of various kinds were planted all around. The roads were spick and span. Not many beings were around. She walked with the bamboo shoot. Suddenly he pointed to a cottage and said, “Hey, that’s got my name on it”, and skipped towards it without even waving a good bye to Nina.
As she walked she came across a house with her name on the name board. “Wow this place is awesome”, she thought. A beautiful little cottage like the ones she had read in fairytales as a kid; a lovely garden; a gravel pathway. So happy was she that she did a little jig before she entered the cottage.
The inside of the cottage was beautiful too. It had a nice fireplace with a couch; a lovely fur carpet; tastefully done up drapes and paintings adorning the walls. The bedroom had a lovely four poster bed with nice soft mattress and patchwork quilts. It had everything that she had always wanted in a house. Except - except for the fact that there was no kitchen. She shrugged and sat on the couch and started reading the pamphlet that was handed over to her at the counter.
It read something like this:
Dear Nina,
We are glad you are dead and we welcome you here in paradise. You have been sorted into the ‘Eaten by Gorillas, Rhinoceros and Hippopotamus’ colony. You are very lucky to have been eaten by a gorilla, because only the ones eaten by Gorillas, Rhinoceros and Hippopotamus get a place in paradise. Everyone else, eaten up by any other animal, lands in hell.
Well let us familiarise you with the procedures and other stuff.
- As you must have realised, there is no kitchen. This is because you do not feel hungry once you are dead. The reason for this is, again as you must have realised, everything one eats, dies. So everything eatable is dead. Hence you are not allowed to eat something and kill it again. Everyone dies just once. So, no food.
- You might have also noticed that there are no books. The reason for this is that books don’t die. Ever. They are immortal. Sigh. Hence they are not available in paradise.
- There are no televisions. Oh no, they do die. But they get into hell. They are banned from paradise.
- You are free to roam in the colony; chat up with neighbours; dance around.
Everything else that you need will be provided to you. Everything you want may not be provided
Have fun and a great stay at Paradise.
The Human Resources Department.
She put the paper aside and sighed. No food, no television, no books. This really didn’t sound too interesting. Just then she heard a knock on the door. She opened up to find a gigantic banana and a blob of something pink standing at her door way. Both were grinning.
“Hi” said the Banana. “We are your neighbours. I am Mr. B and this is Bubbles. I stay to the cottage on you left and Bubbles on the right.”
Nina smiled and asked them to come inside. She then realised that the pink blob was actually a chewed chewing gum. Mr. B was eaten up by a gorilla and Bubbles was, well, chewed and swallowed by a hippopotamus. They were nice guys. She had a great time chatting up with them all evening. Mr. B was quite funny and witty. Bubbles was a sweet shy lady. During their conversations she also realised that there was another human couple that lived just across the road, Mr. and Mrs. Trotter. Nina decided to go and meet them the next day.
That night Nina slept well. It was nice and snugly. If she ever felt cold the temperature would automatically rise to make her comfortable. This felt great.
Next day morning Nina went to meet Mr. and Mrs. Trottle. They were a nice couple but after a point she got really bored talking to them. Mr. and Mrs. Trottle had been eaten up by a rhinoceros when they were out with their son James. James had survived and gone on a long journey inside a giant peach. The peach was also there in paradise now in another colony. Mr. and Mrs. Trottle had once met up with the peach on special request from the authorities and they had heard about the entire journey.
So they told Nina about the whole story of James and the Giant peach and then they told her the story again, and again, and when they were done, they told her the story again. Finally she could not take it anymore and she left. She roamed around to realise that all the cottages and the gardens were exactly the same so there was nothing much to see. She went again to spend some time with Mr. B and bubbles. But their conversations were exactly the same as the day before. What had seemed like a fun conversation yesterday was annoying today.
The next day was even more boring. Nina had absolutely nothing new to do here. Another day and another day and finally a fortnight were over. Nina had explored every corner of the colony to find something new, something of interest, but all in vain.
Nina sat that day on her couch by the fireplace. She had to get out of this place. It was getting on to her. She had to find a way to get expelled. There had to be some way out. As she thought and she thought hard, her eyes fell on the rule pamphlet that she had got when she had arrived here. She started at it for a moment. An idea slowly sneaked into her mind. Her eyes opened up wide. She smiled to herself.
That night when everyone was fast asleep, Nina left her cottage softly. She quietly walked up to the next cottage and peeped in through the window. Mr. B was fast asleep. She climbed in through the window. She tip-toed and went and stood next to him. He was breathing peacefully. Nina took out a cloth from her pocket and gagged his mouth so that he could not scream. And then she started eating him. She ate him and ate him all night. He was a nice sweet banana. She wasn’t hungry but this was important. She had to breach a rule to get expelled. She kept on eating him. By the time she was done she had bloated to double her size.
Sick and satisfied she went back to her cottage. She slept till late the next morning and was awakened by a rude knocking on the door. She opened and found a group of paradise vigilante waiting outside.
“Madame, does this belong to you”, one asked showing her the cloth she had left behind at Mr. B’s cottage.
“Yes”, she answered as her heart skipped.
Please come with us. She walked out with them. They walked out of the colony. There was a glass house where they took her. Everything in the room inside was made of glass. The furniture, the window panes, the décor, even the photo frames were made of glass with glass as photographs. A woman was sitting behind a table there. She looked extremely authoritative and powerful. On the table was a glass name board.
Her name and designation was mentioned there. “Ms. God, Director, Human Resources”.
“I am sure you have realised that you have broken a rule here, Nina.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Do you have anything to say in your defence?”
“No, Ma’am.”
“You shall be punished for this”, said Ms. God with stealth in her voice.
“Yes Ma’am.”
“You shall be immediately deported to Hell,” She said sternly.
As Ms. God said that, everything around Nina went blank. It was black everywhere. It seemed like she was inside a whirlwind. Her head was hurting. She felt that she was suddenly dropping off a cliff. She was happy. At least she would get to see television now.
Short Story 2013 Longlist, Ajinkya Raut
Acceptance
Ryan and Seema had exchanged their vows in a church in front of a pastor and amongst their kin and friends. Ryan, wore his best suit and looked his best. He had always been this charmer, with dimpled smile, that could just please anybody who saw it. If there was a phrase that could suit him, it would surely be tall, dark and handsome. A phrase that summed his appearance completely.
To top it all, he belonged to the defence, he was quintessential man Seema would surely have dreamt of. He was her man in uniform, and he was as attractive as he could get. Seema, on the other hand was this petite, demure looking girl, with almond shaped eyes, that never needed any make up, they were just plain attractive. Apart from her eyes, if there was anything that was more attractive, it was her wit, her intelligence and her in innate ability to understand. This is what had attracted Ryan more towards her, or so he had said. It was an arranged marriage, though it took only two weeks and a meeting for Seema to say a yes, it was Ryan who took more than a month to agree to get married.
The pastor read some verses from the Bible and as soon as he pronounced them Man and Wife, there was hooting from Ryan’s friends, giggly cheers from Seema’s clan of friends and a merry applause from relatives of both sides. It was a joyous moment. Seema’s best friend and her clan of friends had gathered around her and made the air around her more cheery and bubbly. Seema’s best friend Alicia had then hugged Seema so tight, that seema seemed to be gasping for some air. There, Sameer to had done same to Ryan, though he seemed to be whispering something into his ear and gave a sly smile and a high five and then a laughter, a naughty joke had been cracked.
When the time had come to dance, Ryan and Seema were pushed in first and the tradition be followed the Best Man Sameer and Bridesmaid Alicia were pushed in next. Later the couples and couples-to-be followed. Sameer and Alicia seemed to be enjoying each others company, and it was Alicia who seemed to be chirpy otherwise, was quiet and seemed to be enjoying whatever Sameer had to say. They looked good together Seema had thought, though just in passing.
Gradually, people started leaving and it was only Ryan and Seema’s friend that had stayed back to bid the couple good bye. Everybody had some quirky thing to say to the bride and the groom before they left and it was fun for Seema to listen to Ryan’s drunk and tipsy friends. They all seemed so sober when they had come in, but now under the influence of alcohol, everybody seemed to be funnily insane.
“I feel the luckiest man today, that I have I got you. The vows I exchanged there in church are not really what I would like to tell you. I have written something for you, and I would like you to hear them. They are the vows I would like to take.” Said Ryan once they were in the bedroom and saying this he had pulled out a piece of paper from inner pocket of his tuxedo. Unfolding it he began “I Ryan D’costa, vows to be with you in times of sickness and health, in happiness and in pain, in winters and in rain, and in sunny summers too!!” he chortled. “But more importantly, I vow to love you with every growing day. I vow to be understanding, patient and caring when the need be. I vow be patient with your mistakes, and forgiving towards your follies. I vow not to stray, I vow to be only yours. I vow to conquer your heart and your mind with only love. I vow to please you with luxury and comfort as and when it comes. Though my profession won’t allow me, and we shall be separated by distance, I vow to be together, I vow to be around when you need me” he continued “I vow to kiss you when sad, make you smile when you low, please you when you need to be pleased, comforted and cared when you are hurt. I vow to grow in your love. I vow to build a home out of a house, a home that shall truly be ours. I vow an eternity of togetherness, I vow an eternity filled with love.” He concluded and looked up at Seema, whose eyes were now moist and no sooner than a second he had finished, she had thrown his arms around him and hugged him.
The next morning, they had left for their honeymoon, to Goa. They chose Goa for two reasons, it was nearby and the other, it was a beach place. Ryan was bored of being amidst the mountains always, he was always posted in the hilly terrain, and a beach would be a much needed change for him. So Goa it was. It was only a short honeymoon of 6 nights and 5 days. But it was the only time that they had got with themselves, for Ryan was supposed to report to duty day after. So they had made the most of it. Every evening of their honeymoon, they would spend walking on the beach, hand in hand talking at length about so many things. First, about his school days, how he chose to enter the defence, how difficult it had been to convince his parents. Then he spoke of his parents and about how they need to be taken care of, their expectations from their daughter-in-law, their likes their dislikes. Soon the topic shifted to his workplace, Ryan told Seema about the conditions they live in, his training days, his adventures and his blunders too. He told about his comrades in his squad, about each and everybody. He spoke of Sameer, his best buddy, and how good they had bonded since day one. He mentioned every single thing that he could remember of. Seema patiently heard, and wondered how difficult life must be to live in a condition like that, and more importantly how it would be to always be under someone’s order and command, to be disciplined. At the same moment, she felt proud of her husband and as soon as the feeling had entered, it was replaced by a little fear. Images of war had jus flashed in front of her. She shook her head to shake those images off. Seema didn’t want to even speak of a topic like war and its consequences. Seema just loved listening to her husband and told very less about her, she would always rather be playful with him, teasing him no end. Seema always loved the way Ryan would hold her, by the waist, it made Seema feel secure and loved at the same time. It just reassured her that how much he loved her.
The days of honeymoon told Seema more about Ryan, as a person, but it is only at night she saw Ryan, the lover. Passion in his eyes, always. His love seemed truer every growing night, as if he nurtured it through the day and it blossomed at night, spreading its fragrance, enticing Seema, making her fall in love more than ever. She was content that she had made the right choice.
It was their last night in Goa. They sat by the beach in their resting chairs. “I refuse to let you go. You can’t go. How can you? What am I supposed to do here when you are away there, polishing your Gun, rifle or whatever? Please don’t go.” Seema demanded. Ryan laughed, cupped her hand in his palms and said “you are so cute, you know. My sweet little baby.” “stop babying me, its not funny. I am gonna miss you. Its freaking me out already.” Seema cried. Ryan got on his knees, sat besides her chair, held her hand and said “I know you’ll miss me. I know its freaking you out. It’s freaking me out too, I am gonna miss you a hell lot. But I am a little helpless soldier, I must go. And its only a good bye till we meet again. Its only a matter of 6 months baby and I’ll be back. Do you want me to quit? I wish I could, but I am bound.” As soon as he had finished saying this, he just re thought what he had just said, Quit? He had never thought of it until now, never. It was his passion. He thought it over again but he didn’t find a reason why he had said so, he didn’t find a reason at all, but then it had occurred to him, he was in love, he was. But there was still a question that was writhing in his mind, a question that was troubling him since a few days now.
“I am more than glad you said that. But no, don’t quit. I’ll be ok. And you better not forget your vows, or I’ll spank you. Get that??” Seema said playfully, and they both laughed. That night they made most passionate love. Made love as if there was no tomorrow. They made love in candle light. Steamy, passionate love.
Next morning, they left for Mumbai, and reached home. Ryan rested for a while, and simply took his army bag, checked his stuff and packed it again. Seema had hugged him for one last time and had said with tears in her eyes “you better remember your vows, or you know” she came closer to him and whispered in his ears “I’ll spank you”. He had laughed and kissed her on the forehead. The army jeep had come to pick him up at the gate. Punctuality was their virtue. As soon as they had come, they left, and Seema was seen long waving, till the jeep was no more in sight.
First few weeks were very tough to pass by, it seemed to Seema that time refused to move. It was still. She had received only one call from Ryan and that was after he had reached there. After that 2 weeks has passed and there was no call. She was more than angry. It was just then that the army courier person knocked at the door with a small looking parcel for her. She signed the receipt in hurry and a grin had jus appeared on her face and she tore the cover like a eager teenager wanting to know the contents of the wrapped gift. The parcel had a few photographs of him, and a letter. She kept asides the photographs for later, but jus tore the envelope open and unfolded the letter. The page bore emblem of the Indian Army in the centre and Ryan’s name on the top left corner. A sense of pride had just visited Seema.
My darling sweetheart,
Sorry, sorry sorry, very sorry my baby. I know its been 2 weeks since I am here and I haven’t called you since but once. But there’s nothing I can do you know. The weather is bad here and the phone lines have been disconnected. I am really sorry that I couldn’t call. So I sit at 3 in the morning now to write this letter to my beautiful wife.
Well, in case you haven’t seen the photographs and haven’t noticed the letter head carefully. I have been promoted a rank up. I so miss all of you. And I miss you the most, because there’s no one who can
give me the reward I need ;) So to celebrate my promotion, Sameer has organized a small party at the army canteen. It’ll be fun I know. But I’ll miss you too. Sameer seems to be more happy than me you know, I doubt its my promotion he’s glad about or he’s glad about the fact that he’ll get to drink and be merry.
I need to tell you, how much I miss you. How much I remember the nights in Goa! I do remember the days too…. But it’s the nights that I remember more, I miss you more because I know now there’s someone who awaits me back home, there’s someone who really cares, someone who loves me, though you have never told me that you do. Do you love me? I know you do and you will never need to say it, cos I just know. I miss those tickling sessions, when you used to tickle me till I had tears in my eyes out of laughing. I miss you honey. I miss you a ton. I want to come back right now and hug you straight and just tell you how much I love you.
I hope you’ll understand that time is a constraint here and we are always on the move. It’s difficult for me to write to you. But whenever time permits, I shall surely try to write to you. I can only say that this distance is terrible, it only makes me grow more fond of you. Love you baby.
Please give a hug to mom on my behalf, and tell Dad that I am fine and I reached safely. That I guess would be his primary worry. Take care of them. I miss all of you. Do tell them
Lots of Love and Lots of ….. XXX
Ryan
She read and re read the letter twice and was happy the whole day. Then she showed the photographs to Mom and Dad and they were as proud as she was. They were soon sent for framing and all relatives were informed of Ryan’s promotion.
A week passed by and she realized that she hadn’t met or spoken to Alicia since the time she was back from Honeymoon. She informed Mom and Dad that she’ll be back soon. She reached Alicia’s place by afternoon and Alicia like always took ages to open the door. Once the door opened, Alicia screamed at Seema “BITCH!!!, now you miss me, don’t you? Now that your husband is back to his loving army, you remember Alicia.” Seema just couldn’t control laughing, she got in and just hugged her and said “Sorry babes, it was just too good, to remember you, and why should I ? It was my honeymoon, for God’s sake, why would I even miss you?” They both laughed.
“So how have you been Seema? I need not ask actually, I can see the fucking glow, rather the glow cos of the ‘fucking’…..” she chortled. Alicia was just as corny as she could get, “Just tell me the details Seema, tell me tell me tell me, rest of life’s tyrannies can take a back seat for the moment. Tell me how was it?” Alicia literally prodded and pestered Seema into submission. Seema told the details of her honeymoon to a pair of eager ears and a pair of surprised eyes and wide gaping open mouth. She obviously skipped the most intimate details and yet Alicia had this look like that of an teenage girl, a girl who has just got to know the juiciest bits of somebody’s life. “It was too good, Alicia. Beyond good I would say.”, Seema told.
“Yeah, bitch I am sure, all your fantasies and straight out of Mills & Boons story is coming true, isn’t it?” Alicia had replied matter of factly. “I am really happy for you, a little envious too, cos Ryan is hot. Girl I am genuinely happy for you.” Saying this she had hugged Seema. They continued to talk till late in the evening. Alicia as usual was speaking of her boyfriend Austin, about how he wouldn’t even kiss her before marriage, how unreasonable he was time, yet she would end up saying that he’s the most loving guy she had ever met. She had always loved the pair of them, yet she was not very fond of Austin, for he was unemployed and didn’t really look as good as Alicia did. She remembered the day of her wedding, and thought that Alicia and Sameer definitely made a much better pair.
Alicia returned home, after a while. She dined with Mom and Dad and sat with them for a while before going back to her bedroom. There she again reread the letter she received from Ryan and she easily slipped into sleep with a smile on her face. That night she dreamt of they both making love again. She only woke up to realize how good a dream it was and suddenly a pang of longing struck her. But she forced her to sleep again.
Months had flown by and Seema always followed the same rut and routine of her life, at times cursing it, at times enjoying it and at times just for the sake of it. But now it was only a month left and Ryan would be coming after a month. 29 days to be precise. She wanted them to pass fast, so much so that she would do everything in a paced manner and go to bed early too, as if that would make the days fly, shorten or simply vanish.
There, in the valleys, Ryan too was extremely eager to return. He had deliberated over thoughts of leaving earlier than the date prescribed for him to leave, but then that would mean not being able to meet Sameer before he left. Sameer was on leave, and Ryan would be relieved only when Sameer would return. There were still 4 more days for Sameer to return. And if Ryan left earlier, it would definitely bother Sameer. The next couple of days were a little uneasy, Ryan couldn’t concentrate and the same disturbing thoughts kept keeping across his mind. The thoughts that had been disturbing him since a few months now.
Sameer had returned from his leave, but they hardly got any time to meet, sit and talk. So Sameer had decided to come and drop him in the army jeep to the station. He had taken along a small bag to give Ryan, which had some food for the journey and a small parcel. Train was waiting on the platform, it would take him to Delhi to the nearest airport. “Ok, this is for you, small grub, and some more. You take care and have a happy journey. And ofcourse I shall miss you buddy!” he had said, hugging Ryan. Ryan was only surprised that this was the only sentence Sameer had managed to speak since the time they had got into the jeep. That was all he wanted to say. It was a little akward, Ryan wanted to ask more, but then he had decided against it.
He got into the train but didn’t look back to wave at Sameer. The train moved and Ryan searched for his seat. He located it, just exactly in middle of the coach, a side lower berth. Ryan gazed out of the window, reminiscing and replaying a thought in his head. But he decided that he’ll not think of that ever again. He had left it long back, only wanting to erase it.
He opened the bag Sameer had given, and pulled out the stuff to eat. He also noticed that there was a letter addressed to him in the bag, he chose to open it later. He infact fought with himself to open it, because the way Sameer had behaved, he didn’t want to read the letter. But he did. He unfolded the letter, and read the letter in a hurry first, and then he read it slowly again. By the time the letter ended, he could only feel for Sameer, there was nothing he could do now, he couldn’t return and rectify his mistake and he didn’t want to. It was better left it at that. He quietly folded the letter and slipped the letter in his own bag. Closed his eyes and let the moistness of the eyes evaporate somehow. He was now just missing Seema, Seema’s thought visitied him. But the moistness still remained.
He reached Delhi the next morning and rushed to the airport in a taxi. The flight announcements were made, he was just in time. He rushed to check in and it was all done in a jiffy. He was glad he made it on time.
Flight landed Mumbai and he wished he had the army jeep to receive him and drop him home. But that wasn’t going to happen. He had to take a taxi and he did. He was a day earlier than what he had told. He wanted to surprise Seema.
Once the taxi dropped him, he rushed home and rang the bell. No sooner than the door had opened, Ryan had flung into Seema’s arms “I love you so much” he whispered in her ear. She was so pleasantly surprised that she didn’t have any words to say at all. She was just too happy to say anything at all. “SURPRISED? SHOCKED?” Ryan asked Seema. “Absolutely. Wow, this is awesome!!! So cute of you. Welcome home dear.” Seema said. “where’s mom and dad?” he enquired, to which she replied “they have gone to Natalie’s wedding. She’s getting married to her long time beau, Roger.”. Roger and Ryan had been childhood friends, though not close, Ryan seemed pleased to know about him.
She just couldn’t contain her excitement. They had lunch together and kept talking all afternoon. Ryan had so many stories to tell, about everything. He wanted to tell her everything, but he had held back a thing that was troubling him, but he was sure that sooner or later he’ll break it to her. He couldn’t live with it.
After dinner, Ryan spoke to Mom and Dad at length, and Seema still listened with rapt attention. Then they both got back to their bedroom and hugged each other tight, as tight as they could. “There hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t missed you, you know. Its only me who knows how terrible this loneliness has been. I missed you no end Ryan. And there was nothing at all I could do about it. When your letter came, I wished I was there with you, to celebrate, to tell you how proud I am of you.” Seema almost choked. “Hey, baby now don’t cry, I am back, I missed you too honey. Its just that I can’t put my feelings in words now. I have so much to tell, but I am sure you’ll understand without me saying anything. I missed you, I really did” Ryan said. But he realized that though it was the truth there was some amount of guilt-laced lie in it. He had decided that he would tell her all about it, but only when the opportune time comes, only when he deems it correct. But he shall surely tell her. That night again they made passionate love, curling into each other, tangled legs, laced fingers and a lot of ecstasy had filled the sheets. For Seema, Ryan was the most understanding person she had met, a sensitive man who cared and loved her no end. Its not because he made great love, but she knew him as a person, he knew all about his heart now. For her, Ryan was a perfect husband she could ever ask for. There was no doubting that. There was never a second opinion regarding that fact.
Next morning, he got up late, and searched for Seema besides him, but she was already up in the kitchen. They had breakfast together and he headed back to his room for a bath. A while later she started unpacking his bag. She sorted the good clothes from the bad ones and kept them aside for washing. As she picked up the pile of clothes, a envelope dropped, envelope that was addressed to Ryan. She opened it and unfolded the letter. It was from Sameer.
Ryan,
I can’t rectify any of it I know. But I didn’t mean for you to quit. Because it’s me who has faltered, I think. It’s not your fault. I don’t know why it happened, and how it happened again. But you must agree, that I wasn’t the only one who had started it. We were attracted to each other. We were new then I know, and the first time was a mistake, and we should have stopped then. But why did you care for me so much even after that, even after that kiss why did you let me so close to you, why did you bother to be around? That kiss wasn’t when I was drunk, nor were you. What was it then? I only remember that I was the first one to make the move, and you had resisted but only once. And then you had given up. But then when I was wounded why did you again come so close, there was no physical intimacy between us, but the way you cared for me, nobody else ever did, I had many a boyfriends, but no one ever has been so close to me as you have. Why Ryan why? And then suddenly you decided to get married, out of nowhere. As if none of it had ever happened. You never brought it up. It was then I decided to put up a mask, decided to play along, because you had decided that you had to. And I guess you did choose correctly. You and Seema do make a wonderful pair. So I was your best man, because you wanted me to be. And when you returned back married, you seemed to be more than happy. I had then decided to just maintain the distance.
Ryan, then why again, that day at the party, you caught my eye. I was drunk, but you weren’t. Why did you choose to take me to your room and why did that happen, I still wonder? You always have been more than a friend to me Ryan. With you my days, in this Godforsaken army dingy place have been better. Ryan, as a friend you have given me a lot. As a friend, I owe you a lot. When I sit back and wonder if you have taken a right decision to quit, I don’t have an answer. Did you fear that it might happen again? I don’t know. All I know is that I too was more than a friend for you, you just refrained. Now that you have decided to quit, I shall not stop you, nor call you back. I guess its more than right, cos you seem more than happy with her. I hope you are.
Please tear this off as soon as you read it. I don’t want it to get into wrong hands. I don’t want to be a reason. Now that you have decided to paint your life all over again, I am not gonna be stopping you, just wishing you luck and saying you sorry. Sorry for I never meant wrong.
PS: Please tear it off.
Sameer
As soon as she had finished reading the letter, she writhed with anger, a lot of emotions suddenly filled her. Anger being the most prominent. Ryan straying away with some pretty girl, charming that he his, had occurred to her a couple of times. But never in her nightmares did she realize that her husband would stray for another man. Never. All her love had suddenly vanished and images of Sameer and Ryan crossed her mind. Heartbroken she felt, she felt betrayed, cheated and disgusted now.
Ryan got out of the bathroom and saw her crying with the letter still tightly clutched in her hand.
He opened his mouth to speak something but he knew there was nothing left to explain now. It was a secret that had slipped, or rather a secret that had peeped outside on its own. He felt exceedingly foolish at his mistake of leaving the letter behind in his bag. It was thoughtless of him to do so. But the damage was done and he knew it was beyond repair.
He went and sat besides Seema. As soon as he sat, Seema got up and Ryan knew that she was so angry that she could hit him with whatever she could lay her hand on. But she flustered and sat on the floor weeping. Ryan wanted to console her, but a lot of guilt had creeped in him, he himself felt disgusted to even console her, to touch her. But he did.
“How dare you touch me? How dare you? Just go away. I don’t need any explanation. Don’t even try to get close to me?” Seema said angrily. Ryan still tried to comfort her in vain. Seema had changed her tone now, she was angry yet firm, as if she had got a grip on the situation. “For now just don’t come close, just go away. Leave me alone. I don’t want to listen to a word. I don’t want you around. Do whatever but please don’t stay here. Just go. Or else I’ll have to call your mom and dad and tell them everything.” , Seema threatened.
Ryan got up to leave, but instead he went and locked the door and stood in a corner of the room, and in a low and weepy voice began to speak, but soon started gaining control over himself. “I know you don’t want me to be here, and if you don’t want, I shall not be. But before anything crosses your mind, I want you to listen to me, for once just listen to me. Please listen to me.
The letter speaks nothing but the truth, and I am guilty, I know and I accept it. But mere acceptance won’t set things right, I know that too. For you, you might feel that me explaining anything, is not going to change the past, I too know that it wont, but I assure you that this wouldn’t happen in the future. Ever. I need to tell you one thing, that I have left it far behind, and I am a changed man now. I am ridden with guilt, and I know I have wronged, and nothing can change it, but I want you to know that I am sorry. There’s a lot more than I can say. But to you, at this moment everything would seem a fallacy, an irrational thought, a mindless speech. But what I say now is nothing but the truth. I have decided to leave my mistake far behind, I have decided to quit my job there and leave all that happened there, buried there. I am sorry. I really am.”
Saying this Ryan sat to the ground, staring at the ceiling, tears flowing from his eyes. Seema had started packing her bag, stuffing her clothes, ready to leave.
Seema first thought of going to her parents house, but decided against it. She thought, explaining parents would be easy, but how they would take it that their son-in-law had strayed for another man, is what bothered Seema the most. Then she thought of Alicia, her best friend.
She reached Alicia’s house and rang the bell. It took Alicia 5 minutes to open the door and when she opened she seemed groggy, and said “what man, why have you come to my place bitch? That too with a bag? You remember Alicia when your hubby is not there, or now, when you have fought with him!!!!” Alicia jokingly said. Seema had got in by then, and sat on the couch and started crying. Alicia closed the door and came closer to seema “What’s the matter dear, what happened?” Alicia asked curiously. “Wait I’ll get water for you” saying this Alicia went to the kitchen and fetched a glass of water.
Seema gathered herself and explained all of it to Alicia. When she was done explaining, the look on Alicia’s face was that of disbelief, and disgust at the same time. She then just sat back silently, wondering what she could tell her friend, to console her. What could she possibly say, to a woman whose husband has strayed not for a woman but a man? But at the same time, that man had accepted that he had wronged and quit everything, to get back to her, to her wife. This was something that made Alicia think.
“What do you think the truth is? I mean you think it’s Ryan’s fault really? As I see it, he’s got back. Got back to you. He realizes his mistake. Maybe it was a mistake. And Seema you shouldn’t forget that he’s come back to you, and maybe he wanted to tell you and so he had kept the letter with him. And Seema, I need not remind you, I may be curt but I should tell you, you too have a past, that you have conveniently decided to bury and move on. Think about it. ” Alicia told Seema. Seema stared at Alicia, as if she had brought a real skeleton out of closet.
At night, they went to sleep. But Seema couldn’t sleep. Thoughts kept visiting her no end.
It’s difficult to digest the truth, especially when it slaps you hard in the face. It’s difficult when you are handed over the toughest and most unexpected question paper, and you see no solution to it. I would be lying if I would say that I never thought that Ryan could have an extra marital affair. Such thoughts do cross a girls mind if her husband is charming. But Ryan straying for Sameer, is what I hadn’t ever dreamt of.
The time when Ryan was away, I would think of how caring he was when we were together and how loving, and gentle he was while making love. He did that with so much of passion. He listened to whatever I had to say, and gave his honest opinions when I wanted. He just was so caring, and comforting. He could easily lessen my worries with ease. How I had decided firmly that he’s the perfect husband. But now, why have I been put in such a situation? But he has quit his job and got back to me. Maybe he really means it now. Maybe he’ll never go back. Maybe it really was a mistake. Maybe he really was sorry. Maybe. It’s a bad word. It leaves you on this no mans land. You are neither on this side, neither on that. Conveniently in the middle. But for now, this is the only path that seems correct.
Seema thought to herself. She had decided to let her mind rest and she went off to sleep with great difficulty.
“Alicia, I am sorry but I need to stay for a few more days, maybe weeks. If you don’t mind, Can I?” Seema asked Alicia. “Seema, you need not ask. I more than understand. I hope you did think about whatever I said. I wish the best for you. My opinions might or might not help you to decide, but I just want you to decide keeping certain things in mind. I hope you’ll understand and take a decision that’s wise.”
Ryan there was being questioned by his parents about Seema’s whereabouts, but he didn’t have any convincing answers for them. They were convinced only when he lied to them that she’s gone to her parents house. Ryan had no clue what he could do. He wanted to look for Seema but going to her parents and what if she wasn’t there….he wouldn’t have an answer for her parents too. So he first decided to call Alicia. He got to know Seema was there, and from Alicia’s tone, Ryan understood that Alicia knew. “I am sorry. I am. I don’t want you to tell that to her. But I want you to know. I don’t expect you to understand. I am just sorry. Please take care of her that this had to happen. Sorry.” Saying this Ryan hung up the phone.
Ryan was clueless about what he wanted to do now. He was sure of one thing. There was no returning back, either to the army or back to Sameer. He wouldn’t. He had promised himself.
It was difficult for Seema, to reach a conclusion, a decision that she seemed correct, didn’t make any appearance in her mind at all. She spent all day doing menial jobs at Alicia’s place and the nights she would be sleepless, staring at the fan so much so that, she would only sleep when she felt dizzy from it. Thoughts kept rushing in and out of her mind. The only thing that seemed possible to her was to let things flow with time, maybe time would show her the way, or so she felt.
It was close to a month, and Ryan so badly wanted to speak to Seema and ask her to return. He went to Alicia’s place and it was only Alicia who had opened the door. Alicia was perplexed, she didn’t know whether to ask him to come in or to ask him to leave. “I have been wanting to talk to Seema since long, but I don’t know if she would ever talk to me. I just want you to tel her that I had come to speak to her and I really care for her and yes I miss her a lot. Alicia, I can’t really explain you anything, nor can I say how much I regret, but I just want you to pass this on to her. Will you?” saying this Ryan handed over a letter to Alicia. Ryan didn’t wait for Alicia’s reply, he just left.
Closing the door behind her, Alicia rushed to Seema “I don’t know what to say Seema, but Ryan really looked terrible, he had come to meet you, but I guess he knew you wouldn’t. Anyway, he’s left this for you.” She handed over the envelope to Seema.
Seema just took it from her and kept it away. She didn’t feel like reading it, or even knowing what did Ryan want to say. So she just left it under the pillow, with the thought of reading it later. But the same night she felt a strong urge to read it.
Dear Seema,
Its been 24 days now, that you are away. No matter how much sorry I say, it won’t change a thing. But I still say sorry, cos I mean it. I mean it completely. I write this letter in the midst of the night, after a day that I have spent analyzing every bit of my mistake and regretting every moment of it.
I have been trying to erase every memory of it, every sign of it. Not a moment passes by when I don’t think of how much hurt I have caused, and how much agonizingly painful it has been to you. I am sorry for all of it, and I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.
All I need is one chance to make up for my mistake. One and only chance is all I need to correct myself. And then I shall give you no chance or reason to complain
I can’t tell you to come back, but I want you to. Not because you must, but because I love you. Its because I love you, that I am hopeful that you shall return. Its because I love you, I am holding on. Its because I love you, I am waiting.
.Love,
Ryan.
She quietly folded the letter and went off to sleep with a thought in her mind. It were not Ryan’s words but Alicia’s You too have a past, that you have conveniently decided to bury and move on. Think about it. Suddenly her words seemed to make so much sense. Seema thought over it, and she knew Alicia was not wrong, Seema too had a past, that she had buried long ago and moved on, conveniently forgetting it, infact erasing it that she hadn’t even thought of mentioning it to Ryan, ever. It was then that Seema thought of Ryan’s letter that she had received when he was there and what he had written I am a changed person now, you know. I need to tell you in detail about the changed part, it’s a little thing that I need to tell you, but now is not the time. I shall tell you when I am back.
When we falter, we always want to correct ourselves. But sometimes even with our best intentions we can’t. Yet Ryan had made those efforts to correct himself. He had quit and he had comeback to Seema. And maybe he really wanted to tell her about it. Maybe he was looking for the opportune time to break it to her. A time when he thought she could really understand, if not understand listen to his version in a way, that was not angry. Seema hadn’t really heard his version that day, maybe she did, but nothing had registered. Maybe. Seema thought that he deserved a chance, atleast a chance to correct him, everybody needs a chance, she thought. She had decided to return.
Next morning at the coffee table Seema spoke to Alicia, “I think I am ready to return to him. I thought about what you said, my past and how I have buried it conveniently. I too have a past which I don’t wish to reveal, ever. For me too it was a mistake. And I conveniently decided to bury it. And move on, without once looking back. It would be ungrateful and mean on my part if I let him go, he too has faltered, but unlike me he’s so ready to accept. He’s so meaningfully clear about it. He has erased it or atleast he’s trying to. Maybe he’s not that good with words, but somewhere I know he really is very apologetic about the whole thing. I am not sure, if I would be able to love him the way I did earlier, but I am ready to turn a new leaf.,like trying to fall in love all over again. Maybe I’ll start by being friends with him. I think he needs a friend for now. Love will happen eventually. I think I should just bury everything like he has. I shall.”
“But I need to thank you, for all that you have done. And most importantly thank you for reminding me that I am not perfect, and I too had once faltered. It cleared the haze more than anything else did. Without you, I wouldn’t have quite made it dear” Seema concluded.
Alicia bellowed. “Don’t give me sentimental crap, you better not. I just told you the truth. And hello? You don’t need to thank me. You better behave.” Saying this Alicia laughed.
“Ok bitch, I won’t!” Seema said. Alicia kept nodding while texting on her cell.
“I shall miss you and your coffee.” Seema told.
Alicia replied “Yeah, right! As if you stay so far that you won’t be able to pick your fat ass upto my place for cofeee. You better keep coming or else I’ll have to ask Ryan to throw you out of the house now and then!”
“That would not happen, he’s promised to behave. And he said he’ll not give me a chance to complain” Seema said mockingly.
“That seems pretty promising though.” Alicia laughed again.
There was a knock on the door, and Alicia asked Seema to open the door for her. Seema did.
It was Ryan. “Alicia asked me to come, everything alright? Are you OK?”, he asked. He waited for a reply.
Seema was surprised at Ryan’s arrival. It was Alicia who had texted him to come but had not said why.
“She needs a divorce.” Alicia bellowed from the kitchen. Seema was shocked. Ryan was terrified “No, please don’t do that. Please don’t. I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. It was a mistake. You need to believe me. It was.”
Alicia was at the kitchen door, seeing Ryan pleading. She broke into a laughter and so did Seema. Seema just couldn’t control breaking into a smile. She laughed too.
Ryan was perplexed seeing both of them laugh.
“I was kidding. I was so joking. But it was so good to see you plead like that.” Alicia said.
At the mere mention of word kidding, Ryan looked furious and relieved at the same time.
Seema just stood there. Waiting for Ryan to take her back. But instead he went to Alicia.
“I would have killed you, if it was true.” Ryan said to Alicia.
He turned to go to Seema, but he felt Alicia tapping him and calling him back “Do take care of her, she’s a little broken. It’ll take time to mend. Nurture with patience. Be a friend. Hope you understand” Alicia told Ryan. Ryan nodded approvingly.
Alicia came to Seema and hugged her. She whispered in her ears. “You saw him. He pleaded. He really loves you. Take my word. He really does and I can say that. Forgive him if you can. And if possible, forget his mistake too. He loves you dearly.” For maybe the first time Seema had seen Alicia’s eyes moist. Seema smiled and whispered “Thank you for everything.”
Ryan took Seema’s bag and wanted to hug her but he remembered what Alicia told him. It’ll take time to mend. Nurture with patience. Be a friend.
And so he did.
Ryan and Seema had exchanged their vows in a church in front of a pastor and amongst their kin and friends. Ryan, wore his best suit and looked his best. He had always been this charmer, with dimpled smile, that could just please anybody who saw it. If there was a phrase that could suit him, it would surely be tall, dark and handsome. A phrase that summed his appearance completely.
To top it all, he belonged to the defence, he was quintessential man Seema would surely have dreamt of. He was her man in uniform, and he was as attractive as he could get. Seema, on the other hand was this petite, demure looking girl, with almond shaped eyes, that never needed any make up, they were just plain attractive. Apart from her eyes, if there was anything that was more attractive, it was her wit, her intelligence and her in innate ability to understand. This is what had attracted Ryan more towards her, or so he had said. It was an arranged marriage, though it took only two weeks and a meeting for Seema to say a yes, it was Ryan who took more than a month to agree to get married.
The pastor read some verses from the Bible and as soon as he pronounced them Man and Wife, there was hooting from Ryan’s friends, giggly cheers from Seema’s clan of friends and a merry applause from relatives of both sides. It was a joyous moment. Seema’s best friend and her clan of friends had gathered around her and made the air around her more cheery and bubbly. Seema’s best friend Alicia had then hugged Seema so tight, that seema seemed to be gasping for some air. There, Sameer to had done same to Ryan, though he seemed to be whispering something into his ear and gave a sly smile and a high five and then a laughter, a naughty joke had been cracked.
When the time had come to dance, Ryan and Seema were pushed in first and the tradition be followed the Best Man Sameer and Bridesmaid Alicia were pushed in next. Later the couples and couples-to-be followed. Sameer and Alicia seemed to be enjoying each others company, and it was Alicia who seemed to be chirpy otherwise, was quiet and seemed to be enjoying whatever Sameer had to say. They looked good together Seema had thought, though just in passing.
Gradually, people started leaving and it was only Ryan and Seema’s friend that had stayed back to bid the couple good bye. Everybody had some quirky thing to say to the bride and the groom before they left and it was fun for Seema to listen to Ryan’s drunk and tipsy friends. They all seemed so sober when they had come in, but now under the influence of alcohol, everybody seemed to be funnily insane.
“I feel the luckiest man today, that I have I got you. The vows I exchanged there in church are not really what I would like to tell you. I have written something for you, and I would like you to hear them. They are the vows I would like to take.” Said Ryan once they were in the bedroom and saying this he had pulled out a piece of paper from inner pocket of his tuxedo. Unfolding it he began “I Ryan D’costa, vows to be with you in times of sickness and health, in happiness and in pain, in winters and in rain, and in sunny summers too!!” he chortled. “But more importantly, I vow to love you with every growing day. I vow to be understanding, patient and caring when the need be. I vow be patient with your mistakes, and forgiving towards your follies. I vow not to stray, I vow to be only yours. I vow to conquer your heart and your mind with only love. I vow to please you with luxury and comfort as and when it comes. Though my profession won’t allow me, and we shall be separated by distance, I vow to be together, I vow to be around when you need me” he continued “I vow to kiss you when sad, make you smile when you low, please you when you need to be pleased, comforted and cared when you are hurt. I vow to grow in your love. I vow to build a home out of a house, a home that shall truly be ours. I vow an eternity of togetherness, I vow an eternity filled with love.” He concluded and looked up at Seema, whose eyes were now moist and no sooner than a second he had finished, she had thrown his arms around him and hugged him.
The next morning, they had left for their honeymoon, to Goa. They chose Goa for two reasons, it was nearby and the other, it was a beach place. Ryan was bored of being amidst the mountains always, he was always posted in the hilly terrain, and a beach would be a much needed change for him. So Goa it was. It was only a short honeymoon of 6 nights and 5 days. But it was the only time that they had got with themselves, for Ryan was supposed to report to duty day after. So they had made the most of it. Every evening of their honeymoon, they would spend walking on the beach, hand in hand talking at length about so many things. First, about his school days, how he chose to enter the defence, how difficult it had been to convince his parents. Then he spoke of his parents and about how they need to be taken care of, their expectations from their daughter-in-law, their likes their dislikes. Soon the topic shifted to his workplace, Ryan told Seema about the conditions they live in, his training days, his adventures and his blunders too. He told about his comrades in his squad, about each and everybody. He spoke of Sameer, his best buddy, and how good they had bonded since day one. He mentioned every single thing that he could remember of. Seema patiently heard, and wondered how difficult life must be to live in a condition like that, and more importantly how it would be to always be under someone’s order and command, to be disciplined. At the same moment, she felt proud of her husband and as soon as the feeling had entered, it was replaced by a little fear. Images of war had jus flashed in front of her. She shook her head to shake those images off. Seema didn’t want to even speak of a topic like war and its consequences. Seema just loved listening to her husband and told very less about her, she would always rather be playful with him, teasing him no end. Seema always loved the way Ryan would hold her, by the waist, it made Seema feel secure and loved at the same time. It just reassured her that how much he loved her.
The days of honeymoon told Seema more about Ryan, as a person, but it is only at night she saw Ryan, the lover. Passion in his eyes, always. His love seemed truer every growing night, as if he nurtured it through the day and it blossomed at night, spreading its fragrance, enticing Seema, making her fall in love more than ever. She was content that she had made the right choice.
It was their last night in Goa. They sat by the beach in their resting chairs. “I refuse to let you go. You can’t go. How can you? What am I supposed to do here when you are away there, polishing your Gun, rifle or whatever? Please don’t go.” Seema demanded. Ryan laughed, cupped her hand in his palms and said “you are so cute, you know. My sweet little baby.” “stop babying me, its not funny. I am gonna miss you. Its freaking me out already.” Seema cried. Ryan got on his knees, sat besides her chair, held her hand and said “I know you’ll miss me. I know its freaking you out. It’s freaking me out too, I am gonna miss you a hell lot. But I am a little helpless soldier, I must go. And its only a good bye till we meet again. Its only a matter of 6 months baby and I’ll be back. Do you want me to quit? I wish I could, but I am bound.” As soon as he had finished saying this, he just re thought what he had just said, Quit? He had never thought of it until now, never. It was his passion. He thought it over again but he didn’t find a reason why he had said so, he didn’t find a reason at all, but then it had occurred to him, he was in love, he was. But there was still a question that was writhing in his mind, a question that was troubling him since a few days now.
“I am more than glad you said that. But no, don’t quit. I’ll be ok. And you better not forget your vows, or I’ll spank you. Get that??” Seema said playfully, and they both laughed. That night they made most passionate love. Made love as if there was no tomorrow. They made love in candle light. Steamy, passionate love.
Next morning, they left for Mumbai, and reached home. Ryan rested for a while, and simply took his army bag, checked his stuff and packed it again. Seema had hugged him for one last time and had said with tears in her eyes “you better remember your vows, or you know” she came closer to him and whispered in his ears “I’ll spank you”. He had laughed and kissed her on the forehead. The army jeep had come to pick him up at the gate. Punctuality was their virtue. As soon as they had come, they left, and Seema was seen long waving, till the jeep was no more in sight.
First few weeks were very tough to pass by, it seemed to Seema that time refused to move. It was still. She had received only one call from Ryan and that was after he had reached there. After that 2 weeks has passed and there was no call. She was more than angry. It was just then that the army courier person knocked at the door with a small looking parcel for her. She signed the receipt in hurry and a grin had jus appeared on her face and she tore the cover like a eager teenager wanting to know the contents of the wrapped gift. The parcel had a few photographs of him, and a letter. She kept asides the photographs for later, but jus tore the envelope open and unfolded the letter. The page bore emblem of the Indian Army in the centre and Ryan’s name on the top left corner. A sense of pride had just visited Seema.
My darling sweetheart,
Sorry, sorry sorry, very sorry my baby. I know its been 2 weeks since I am here and I haven’t called you since but once. But there’s nothing I can do you know. The weather is bad here and the phone lines have been disconnected. I am really sorry that I couldn’t call. So I sit at 3 in the morning now to write this letter to my beautiful wife.
Well, in case you haven’t seen the photographs and haven’t noticed the letter head carefully. I have been promoted a rank up. I so miss all of you. And I miss you the most, because there’s no one who can
give me the reward I need ;) So to celebrate my promotion, Sameer has organized a small party at the army canteen. It’ll be fun I know. But I’ll miss you too. Sameer seems to be more happy than me you know, I doubt its my promotion he’s glad about or he’s glad about the fact that he’ll get to drink and be merry.
I need to tell you, how much I miss you. How much I remember the nights in Goa! I do remember the days too…. But it’s the nights that I remember more, I miss you more because I know now there’s someone who awaits me back home, there’s someone who really cares, someone who loves me, though you have never told me that you do. Do you love me? I know you do and you will never need to say it, cos I just know. I miss those tickling sessions, when you used to tickle me till I had tears in my eyes out of laughing. I miss you honey. I miss you a ton. I want to come back right now and hug you straight and just tell you how much I love you.
I hope you’ll understand that time is a constraint here and we are always on the move. It’s difficult for me to write to you. But whenever time permits, I shall surely try to write to you. I can only say that this distance is terrible, it only makes me grow more fond of you. Love you baby.
Please give a hug to mom on my behalf, and tell Dad that I am fine and I reached safely. That I guess would be his primary worry. Take care of them. I miss all of you. Do tell them
Lots of Love and Lots of ….. XXX
Ryan
She read and re read the letter twice and was happy the whole day. Then she showed the photographs to Mom and Dad and they were as proud as she was. They were soon sent for framing and all relatives were informed of Ryan’s promotion.
A week passed by and she realized that she hadn’t met or spoken to Alicia since the time she was back from Honeymoon. She informed Mom and Dad that she’ll be back soon. She reached Alicia’s place by afternoon and Alicia like always took ages to open the door. Once the door opened, Alicia screamed at Seema “BITCH!!!, now you miss me, don’t you? Now that your husband is back to his loving army, you remember Alicia.” Seema just couldn’t control laughing, she got in and just hugged her and said “Sorry babes, it was just too good, to remember you, and why should I ? It was my honeymoon, for God’s sake, why would I even miss you?” They both laughed.
“So how have you been Seema? I need not ask actually, I can see the fucking glow, rather the glow cos of the ‘fucking’…..” she chortled. Alicia was just as corny as she could get, “Just tell me the details Seema, tell me tell me tell me, rest of life’s tyrannies can take a back seat for the moment. Tell me how was it?” Alicia literally prodded and pestered Seema into submission. Seema told the details of her honeymoon to a pair of eager ears and a pair of surprised eyes and wide gaping open mouth. She obviously skipped the most intimate details and yet Alicia had this look like that of an teenage girl, a girl who has just got to know the juiciest bits of somebody’s life. “It was too good, Alicia. Beyond good I would say.”, Seema told.
“Yeah, bitch I am sure, all your fantasies and straight out of Mills & Boons story is coming true, isn’t it?” Alicia had replied matter of factly. “I am really happy for you, a little envious too, cos Ryan is hot. Girl I am genuinely happy for you.” Saying this she had hugged Seema. They continued to talk till late in the evening. Alicia as usual was speaking of her boyfriend Austin, about how he wouldn’t even kiss her before marriage, how unreasonable he was time, yet she would end up saying that he’s the most loving guy she had ever met. She had always loved the pair of them, yet she was not very fond of Austin, for he was unemployed and didn’t really look as good as Alicia did. She remembered the day of her wedding, and thought that Alicia and Sameer definitely made a much better pair.
Alicia returned home, after a while. She dined with Mom and Dad and sat with them for a while before going back to her bedroom. There she again reread the letter she received from Ryan and she easily slipped into sleep with a smile on her face. That night she dreamt of they both making love again. She only woke up to realize how good a dream it was and suddenly a pang of longing struck her. But she forced her to sleep again.
Months had flown by and Seema always followed the same rut and routine of her life, at times cursing it, at times enjoying it and at times just for the sake of it. But now it was only a month left and Ryan would be coming after a month. 29 days to be precise. She wanted them to pass fast, so much so that she would do everything in a paced manner and go to bed early too, as if that would make the days fly, shorten or simply vanish.
There, in the valleys, Ryan too was extremely eager to return. He had deliberated over thoughts of leaving earlier than the date prescribed for him to leave, but then that would mean not being able to meet Sameer before he left. Sameer was on leave, and Ryan would be relieved only when Sameer would return. There were still 4 more days for Sameer to return. And if Ryan left earlier, it would definitely bother Sameer. The next couple of days were a little uneasy, Ryan couldn’t concentrate and the same disturbing thoughts kept keeping across his mind. The thoughts that had been disturbing him since a few months now.
Sameer had returned from his leave, but they hardly got any time to meet, sit and talk. So Sameer had decided to come and drop him in the army jeep to the station. He had taken along a small bag to give Ryan, which had some food for the journey and a small parcel. Train was waiting on the platform, it would take him to Delhi to the nearest airport. “Ok, this is for you, small grub, and some more. You take care and have a happy journey. And ofcourse I shall miss you buddy!” he had said, hugging Ryan. Ryan was only surprised that this was the only sentence Sameer had managed to speak since the time they had got into the jeep. That was all he wanted to say. It was a little akward, Ryan wanted to ask more, but then he had decided against it.
He got into the train but didn’t look back to wave at Sameer. The train moved and Ryan searched for his seat. He located it, just exactly in middle of the coach, a side lower berth. Ryan gazed out of the window, reminiscing and replaying a thought in his head. But he decided that he’ll not think of that ever again. He had left it long back, only wanting to erase it.
He opened the bag Sameer had given, and pulled out the stuff to eat. He also noticed that there was a letter addressed to him in the bag, he chose to open it later. He infact fought with himself to open it, because the way Sameer had behaved, he didn’t want to read the letter. But he did. He unfolded the letter, and read the letter in a hurry first, and then he read it slowly again. By the time the letter ended, he could only feel for Sameer, there was nothing he could do now, he couldn’t return and rectify his mistake and he didn’t want to. It was better left it at that. He quietly folded the letter and slipped the letter in his own bag. Closed his eyes and let the moistness of the eyes evaporate somehow. He was now just missing Seema, Seema’s thought visitied him. But the moistness still remained.
He reached Delhi the next morning and rushed to the airport in a taxi. The flight announcements were made, he was just in time. He rushed to check in and it was all done in a jiffy. He was glad he made it on time.
Flight landed Mumbai and he wished he had the army jeep to receive him and drop him home. But that wasn’t going to happen. He had to take a taxi and he did. He was a day earlier than what he had told. He wanted to surprise Seema.
Once the taxi dropped him, he rushed home and rang the bell. No sooner than the door had opened, Ryan had flung into Seema’s arms “I love you so much” he whispered in her ear. She was so pleasantly surprised that she didn’t have any words to say at all. She was just too happy to say anything at all. “SURPRISED? SHOCKED?” Ryan asked Seema. “Absolutely. Wow, this is awesome!!! So cute of you. Welcome home dear.” Seema said. “where’s mom and dad?” he enquired, to which she replied “they have gone to Natalie’s wedding. She’s getting married to her long time beau, Roger.”. Roger and Ryan had been childhood friends, though not close, Ryan seemed pleased to know about him.
She just couldn’t contain her excitement. They had lunch together and kept talking all afternoon. Ryan had so many stories to tell, about everything. He wanted to tell her everything, but he had held back a thing that was troubling him, but he was sure that sooner or later he’ll break it to her. He couldn’t live with it.
After dinner, Ryan spoke to Mom and Dad at length, and Seema still listened with rapt attention. Then they both got back to their bedroom and hugged each other tight, as tight as they could. “There hasn’t been a single day that I haven’t missed you, you know. Its only me who knows how terrible this loneliness has been. I missed you no end Ryan. And there was nothing at all I could do about it. When your letter came, I wished I was there with you, to celebrate, to tell you how proud I am of you.” Seema almost choked. “Hey, baby now don’t cry, I am back, I missed you too honey. Its just that I can’t put my feelings in words now. I have so much to tell, but I am sure you’ll understand without me saying anything. I missed you, I really did” Ryan said. But he realized that though it was the truth there was some amount of guilt-laced lie in it. He had decided that he would tell her all about it, but only when the opportune time comes, only when he deems it correct. But he shall surely tell her. That night again they made passionate love, curling into each other, tangled legs, laced fingers and a lot of ecstasy had filled the sheets. For Seema, Ryan was the most understanding person she had met, a sensitive man who cared and loved her no end. Its not because he made great love, but she knew him as a person, he knew all about his heart now. For her, Ryan was a perfect husband she could ever ask for. There was no doubting that. There was never a second opinion regarding that fact.
Next morning, he got up late, and searched for Seema besides him, but she was already up in the kitchen. They had breakfast together and he headed back to his room for a bath. A while later she started unpacking his bag. She sorted the good clothes from the bad ones and kept them aside for washing. As she picked up the pile of clothes, a envelope dropped, envelope that was addressed to Ryan. She opened it and unfolded the letter. It was from Sameer.
Ryan,
I can’t rectify any of it I know. But I didn’t mean for you to quit. Because it’s me who has faltered, I think. It’s not your fault. I don’t know why it happened, and how it happened again. But you must agree, that I wasn’t the only one who had started it. We were attracted to each other. We were new then I know, and the first time was a mistake, and we should have stopped then. But why did you care for me so much even after that, even after that kiss why did you let me so close to you, why did you bother to be around? That kiss wasn’t when I was drunk, nor were you. What was it then? I only remember that I was the first one to make the move, and you had resisted but only once. And then you had given up. But then when I was wounded why did you again come so close, there was no physical intimacy between us, but the way you cared for me, nobody else ever did, I had many a boyfriends, but no one ever has been so close to me as you have. Why Ryan why? And then suddenly you decided to get married, out of nowhere. As if none of it had ever happened. You never brought it up. It was then I decided to put up a mask, decided to play along, because you had decided that you had to. And I guess you did choose correctly. You and Seema do make a wonderful pair. So I was your best man, because you wanted me to be. And when you returned back married, you seemed to be more than happy. I had then decided to just maintain the distance.
Ryan, then why again, that day at the party, you caught my eye. I was drunk, but you weren’t. Why did you choose to take me to your room and why did that happen, I still wonder? You always have been more than a friend to me Ryan. With you my days, in this Godforsaken army dingy place have been better. Ryan, as a friend you have given me a lot. As a friend, I owe you a lot. When I sit back and wonder if you have taken a right decision to quit, I don’t have an answer. Did you fear that it might happen again? I don’t know. All I know is that I too was more than a friend for you, you just refrained. Now that you have decided to quit, I shall not stop you, nor call you back. I guess its more than right, cos you seem more than happy with her. I hope you are.
Please tear this off as soon as you read it. I don’t want it to get into wrong hands. I don’t want to be a reason. Now that you have decided to paint your life all over again, I am not gonna be stopping you, just wishing you luck and saying you sorry. Sorry for I never meant wrong.
PS: Please tear it off.
Sameer
As soon as she had finished reading the letter, she writhed with anger, a lot of emotions suddenly filled her. Anger being the most prominent. Ryan straying away with some pretty girl, charming that he his, had occurred to her a couple of times. But never in her nightmares did she realize that her husband would stray for another man. Never. All her love had suddenly vanished and images of Sameer and Ryan crossed her mind. Heartbroken she felt, she felt betrayed, cheated and disgusted now.
Ryan got out of the bathroom and saw her crying with the letter still tightly clutched in her hand.
He opened his mouth to speak something but he knew there was nothing left to explain now. It was a secret that had slipped, or rather a secret that had peeped outside on its own. He felt exceedingly foolish at his mistake of leaving the letter behind in his bag. It was thoughtless of him to do so. But the damage was done and he knew it was beyond repair.
He went and sat besides Seema. As soon as he sat, Seema got up and Ryan knew that she was so angry that she could hit him with whatever she could lay her hand on. But she flustered and sat on the floor weeping. Ryan wanted to console her, but a lot of guilt had creeped in him, he himself felt disgusted to even console her, to touch her. But he did.
“How dare you touch me? How dare you? Just go away. I don’t need any explanation. Don’t even try to get close to me?” Seema said angrily. Ryan still tried to comfort her in vain. Seema had changed her tone now, she was angry yet firm, as if she had got a grip on the situation. “For now just don’t come close, just go away. Leave me alone. I don’t want to listen to a word. I don’t want you around. Do whatever but please don’t stay here. Just go. Or else I’ll have to call your mom and dad and tell them everything.” , Seema threatened.
Ryan got up to leave, but instead he went and locked the door and stood in a corner of the room, and in a low and weepy voice began to speak, but soon started gaining control over himself. “I know you don’t want me to be here, and if you don’t want, I shall not be. But before anything crosses your mind, I want you to listen to me, for once just listen to me. Please listen to me.
The letter speaks nothing but the truth, and I am guilty, I know and I accept it. But mere acceptance won’t set things right, I know that too. For you, you might feel that me explaining anything, is not going to change the past, I too know that it wont, but I assure you that this wouldn’t happen in the future. Ever. I need to tell you one thing, that I have left it far behind, and I am a changed man now. I am ridden with guilt, and I know I have wronged, and nothing can change it, but I want you to know that I am sorry. There’s a lot more than I can say. But to you, at this moment everything would seem a fallacy, an irrational thought, a mindless speech. But what I say now is nothing but the truth. I have decided to leave my mistake far behind, I have decided to quit my job there and leave all that happened there, buried there. I am sorry. I really am.”
Saying this Ryan sat to the ground, staring at the ceiling, tears flowing from his eyes. Seema had started packing her bag, stuffing her clothes, ready to leave.
Seema first thought of going to her parents house, but decided against it. She thought, explaining parents would be easy, but how they would take it that their son-in-law had strayed for another man, is what bothered Seema the most. Then she thought of Alicia, her best friend.
She reached Alicia’s house and rang the bell. It took Alicia 5 minutes to open the door and when she opened she seemed groggy, and said “what man, why have you come to my place bitch? That too with a bag? You remember Alicia when your hubby is not there, or now, when you have fought with him!!!!” Alicia jokingly said. Seema had got in by then, and sat on the couch and started crying. Alicia closed the door and came closer to seema “What’s the matter dear, what happened?” Alicia asked curiously. “Wait I’ll get water for you” saying this Alicia went to the kitchen and fetched a glass of water.
Seema gathered herself and explained all of it to Alicia. When she was done explaining, the look on Alicia’s face was that of disbelief, and disgust at the same time. She then just sat back silently, wondering what she could tell her friend, to console her. What could she possibly say, to a woman whose husband has strayed not for a woman but a man? But at the same time, that man had accepted that he had wronged and quit everything, to get back to her, to her wife. This was something that made Alicia think.
“What do you think the truth is? I mean you think it’s Ryan’s fault really? As I see it, he’s got back. Got back to you. He realizes his mistake. Maybe it was a mistake. And Seema you shouldn’t forget that he’s come back to you, and maybe he wanted to tell you and so he had kept the letter with him. And Seema, I need not remind you, I may be curt but I should tell you, you too have a past, that you have conveniently decided to bury and move on. Think about it. ” Alicia told Seema. Seema stared at Alicia, as if she had brought a real skeleton out of closet.
At night, they went to sleep. But Seema couldn’t sleep. Thoughts kept visiting her no end.
It’s difficult to digest the truth, especially when it slaps you hard in the face. It’s difficult when you are handed over the toughest and most unexpected question paper, and you see no solution to it. I would be lying if I would say that I never thought that Ryan could have an extra marital affair. Such thoughts do cross a girls mind if her husband is charming. But Ryan straying for Sameer, is what I hadn’t ever dreamt of.
The time when Ryan was away, I would think of how caring he was when we were together and how loving, and gentle he was while making love. He did that with so much of passion. He listened to whatever I had to say, and gave his honest opinions when I wanted. He just was so caring, and comforting. He could easily lessen my worries with ease. How I had decided firmly that he’s the perfect husband. But now, why have I been put in such a situation? But he has quit his job and got back to me. Maybe he really means it now. Maybe he’ll never go back. Maybe it really was a mistake. Maybe he really was sorry. Maybe. It’s a bad word. It leaves you on this no mans land. You are neither on this side, neither on that. Conveniently in the middle. But for now, this is the only path that seems correct.
Seema thought to herself. She had decided to let her mind rest and she went off to sleep with great difficulty.
“Alicia, I am sorry but I need to stay for a few more days, maybe weeks. If you don’t mind, Can I?” Seema asked Alicia. “Seema, you need not ask. I more than understand. I hope you did think about whatever I said. I wish the best for you. My opinions might or might not help you to decide, but I just want you to decide keeping certain things in mind. I hope you’ll understand and take a decision that’s wise.”
Ryan there was being questioned by his parents about Seema’s whereabouts, but he didn’t have any convincing answers for them. They were convinced only when he lied to them that she’s gone to her parents house. Ryan had no clue what he could do. He wanted to look for Seema but going to her parents and what if she wasn’t there….he wouldn’t have an answer for her parents too. So he first decided to call Alicia. He got to know Seema was there, and from Alicia’s tone, Ryan understood that Alicia knew. “I am sorry. I am. I don’t want you to tell that to her. But I want you to know. I don’t expect you to understand. I am just sorry. Please take care of her that this had to happen. Sorry.” Saying this Ryan hung up the phone.
Ryan was clueless about what he wanted to do now. He was sure of one thing. There was no returning back, either to the army or back to Sameer. He wouldn’t. He had promised himself.
It was difficult for Seema, to reach a conclusion, a decision that she seemed correct, didn’t make any appearance in her mind at all. She spent all day doing menial jobs at Alicia’s place and the nights she would be sleepless, staring at the fan so much so that, she would only sleep when she felt dizzy from it. Thoughts kept rushing in and out of her mind. The only thing that seemed possible to her was to let things flow with time, maybe time would show her the way, or so she felt.
It was close to a month, and Ryan so badly wanted to speak to Seema and ask her to return. He went to Alicia’s place and it was only Alicia who had opened the door. Alicia was perplexed, she didn’t know whether to ask him to come in or to ask him to leave. “I have been wanting to talk to Seema since long, but I don’t know if she would ever talk to me. I just want you to tel her that I had come to speak to her and I really care for her and yes I miss her a lot. Alicia, I can’t really explain you anything, nor can I say how much I regret, but I just want you to pass this on to her. Will you?” saying this Ryan handed over a letter to Alicia. Ryan didn’t wait for Alicia’s reply, he just left.
Closing the door behind her, Alicia rushed to Seema “I don’t know what to say Seema, but Ryan really looked terrible, he had come to meet you, but I guess he knew you wouldn’t. Anyway, he’s left this for you.” She handed over the envelope to Seema.
Seema just took it from her and kept it away. She didn’t feel like reading it, or even knowing what did Ryan want to say. So she just left it under the pillow, with the thought of reading it later. But the same night she felt a strong urge to read it.
Dear Seema,
Its been 24 days now, that you are away. No matter how much sorry I say, it won’t change a thing. But I still say sorry, cos I mean it. I mean it completely. I write this letter in the midst of the night, after a day that I have spent analyzing every bit of my mistake and regretting every moment of it.
I have been trying to erase every memory of it, every sign of it. Not a moment passes by when I don’t think of how much hurt I have caused, and how much agonizingly painful it has been to you. I am sorry for all of it, and I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.
All I need is one chance to make up for my mistake. One and only chance is all I need to correct myself. And then I shall give you no chance or reason to complain
I can’t tell you to come back, but I want you to. Not because you must, but because I love you. Its because I love you, that I am hopeful that you shall return. Its because I love you, I am holding on. Its because I love you, I am waiting.
.Love,
Ryan.
She quietly folded the letter and went off to sleep with a thought in her mind. It were not Ryan’s words but Alicia’s You too have a past, that you have conveniently decided to bury and move on. Think about it. Suddenly her words seemed to make so much sense. Seema thought over it, and she knew Alicia was not wrong, Seema too had a past, that she had buried long ago and moved on, conveniently forgetting it, infact erasing it that she hadn’t even thought of mentioning it to Ryan, ever. It was then that Seema thought of Ryan’s letter that she had received when he was there and what he had written I am a changed person now, you know. I need to tell you in detail about the changed part, it’s a little thing that I need to tell you, but now is not the time. I shall tell you when I am back.
When we falter, we always want to correct ourselves. But sometimes even with our best intentions we can’t. Yet Ryan had made those efforts to correct himself. He had quit and he had comeback to Seema. And maybe he really wanted to tell her about it. Maybe he was looking for the opportune time to break it to her. A time when he thought she could really understand, if not understand listen to his version in a way, that was not angry. Seema hadn’t really heard his version that day, maybe she did, but nothing had registered. Maybe. Seema thought that he deserved a chance, atleast a chance to correct him, everybody needs a chance, she thought. She had decided to return.
Next morning at the coffee table Seema spoke to Alicia, “I think I am ready to return to him. I thought about what you said, my past and how I have buried it conveniently. I too have a past which I don’t wish to reveal, ever. For me too it was a mistake. And I conveniently decided to bury it. And move on, without once looking back. It would be ungrateful and mean on my part if I let him go, he too has faltered, but unlike me he’s so ready to accept. He’s so meaningfully clear about it. He has erased it or atleast he’s trying to. Maybe he’s not that good with words, but somewhere I know he really is very apologetic about the whole thing. I am not sure, if I would be able to love him the way I did earlier, but I am ready to turn a new leaf.,like trying to fall in love all over again. Maybe I’ll start by being friends with him. I think he needs a friend for now. Love will happen eventually. I think I should just bury everything like he has. I shall.”
“But I need to thank you, for all that you have done. And most importantly thank you for reminding me that I am not perfect, and I too had once faltered. It cleared the haze more than anything else did. Without you, I wouldn’t have quite made it dear” Seema concluded.
Alicia bellowed. “Don’t give me sentimental crap, you better not. I just told you the truth. And hello? You don’t need to thank me. You better behave.” Saying this Alicia laughed.
“Ok bitch, I won’t!” Seema said. Alicia kept nodding while texting on her cell.
“I shall miss you and your coffee.” Seema told.
Alicia replied “Yeah, right! As if you stay so far that you won’t be able to pick your fat ass upto my place for cofeee. You better keep coming or else I’ll have to ask Ryan to throw you out of the house now and then!”
“That would not happen, he’s promised to behave. And he said he’ll not give me a chance to complain” Seema said mockingly.
“That seems pretty promising though.” Alicia laughed again.
There was a knock on the door, and Alicia asked Seema to open the door for her. Seema did.
It was Ryan. “Alicia asked me to come, everything alright? Are you OK?”, he asked. He waited for a reply.
Seema was surprised at Ryan’s arrival. It was Alicia who had texted him to come but had not said why.
“She needs a divorce.” Alicia bellowed from the kitchen. Seema was shocked. Ryan was terrified “No, please don’t do that. Please don’t. I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. It was a mistake. You need to believe me. It was.”
Alicia was at the kitchen door, seeing Ryan pleading. She broke into a laughter and so did Seema. Seema just couldn’t control breaking into a smile. She laughed too.
Ryan was perplexed seeing both of them laugh.
“I was kidding. I was so joking. But it was so good to see you plead like that.” Alicia said.
At the mere mention of word kidding, Ryan looked furious and relieved at the same time.
Seema just stood there. Waiting for Ryan to take her back. But instead he went to Alicia.
“I would have killed you, if it was true.” Ryan said to Alicia.
He turned to go to Seema, but he felt Alicia tapping him and calling him back “Do take care of her, she’s a little broken. It’ll take time to mend. Nurture with patience. Be a friend. Hope you understand” Alicia told Ryan. Ryan nodded approvingly.
Alicia came to Seema and hugged her. She whispered in her ears. “You saw him. He pleaded. He really loves you. Take my word. He really does and I can say that. Forgive him if you can. And if possible, forget his mistake too. He loves you dearly.” For maybe the first time Seema had seen Alicia’s eyes moist. Seema smiled and whispered “Thank you for everything.”
Ryan took Seema’s bag and wanted to hug her but he remembered what Alicia told him. It’ll take time to mend. Nurture with patience. Be a friend.
And so he did.
Short Story 2013, FeaturedWriter Madhumita Gupta
Ms Mini Lives For A Day
How clearly she remembered the day when He had gifted her these pearls! It was the eve of their block-buster release. Of course, they hadn’t known at that point what a huge hit ‘Summer 1967’ was to become. But when it had, this string of perfect pearls had become her talisman. She wore it to all her premiers. And quite a few of their movies did go on to become top-grossers.
In ten minutes she’d counted more than 20 – age , sex no bar. From fourteen to fifty, it seemed everybody had started living in jeans. How many here, she wondered, knew that she had been the setter of this trend? At least, she smiled reminiscently, she was among the first ones who had made jeans acceptable on heroines, before that vamps were the ones who would wear western clothes while the heroines stayed covered in demure saris.
Girls today, Mini recalled some new actresses, yes, actresses, not one qualified to be called a ‘star’, all looked alike – same hairstyles, same size-zero figures, same dance-styles and even same mannerisms. They did speak better English, she conceded, but that was because most of them were from affluent families with good education behind them.
How many of them had studied in vernacular schools like her and learnt English only by sheer dint of determination?
March.
The sweetest of months, thought Mini. The bitter cold was over, the
scorching summer still to start, these were lovely, long pleasant days.
Light breeze carried with it the myriad fragrances of the flowers
bursting into bloom. The colors, the smells triggered something in
Mini. The sudden wish to sing and dance and touch the flowers and admire
her own reflection in the receding waters at the beach at sunset.
Yes, that’s what she’d do.
She stood in front of the burnished brown wardrobe made of genuine teak – gleaming with years of energetic polishing by the ever-willing old ‘Bhola’ – and gently pulled the doors open. Smooth as butter- quality will tell, she smiled to herself. She eased the keys into the lock of locker and felt inside.
Her fingers found the velvet box without any trouble. Resisting the urge to open it right there, she carried it to the well-lit morning room and put it on the glass- topped table. Slowly, reverently almost, she unlatched the silver-clasp of the box and held up the lid.
She stood in front of the burnished brown wardrobe made of genuine teak – gleaming with years of energetic polishing by the ever-willing old ‘Bhola’ – and gently pulled the doors open. Smooth as butter- quality will tell, she smiled to herself. She eased the keys into the lock of locker and felt inside.
Her fingers found the velvet box without any trouble. Resisting the urge to open it right there, she carried it to the well-lit morning room and put it on the glass- topped table. Slowly, reverently almost, she unlatched the silver-clasp of the box and held up the lid.
There it was, in its
pristine beauty. Mini lifted the flawless pearl necklace from its blue
satin bed and held it against her own white neck. It looked perfect,
she glanced at her reflection in the glass-table and smiled. Truly
‘Swan neck’, as He and the media called her.
How clearly she remembered the day when He had gifted her these pearls! It was the eve of their block-buster release. Of course, they hadn’t known at that point what a huge hit ‘Summer 1967’ was to become. But when it had, this string of perfect pearls had become her talisman. She wore it to all her premiers. And quite a few of their movies did go on to become top-grossers.
Mini rummaged in her
wardrobe and chose the sheer midnight- blue sari, with its delicate
lace edging. The necklace and this sari seemed made for each other. As much as He and she had
been. Both on and off-screen, there was hardly a day they spent away
from each other. They’d sit and read all their ‘Oh, we’re just good
friends’ stories in the glossies and double-up laughing.
But then she’d start worrying, did they actually have a future together?
“Don’t be silly,” he’d say and tease, “will you be able to live a single day without me?”
She’d forget her worries and tease back, “Would you?”
She dressed as immaculately as she did every evening and set off for another evening by the beach, just near the old band.
The assorted kids of all
shapes and sizes were already there, running around after their ball,
their mothers in their sloppy jeans and T-shirts sat around
intermittently bursting into loud laughter; crows hopped around the wet
sand, where t he waves had just been, looking for those tiny, pale
crabs the waters had forced out of their holes. Mini found her usual
bench unoccupied and settled down gratefully, easing her feet off the
sandals and enjoying the feel of cool, packed sand beneath her feet.
It had felt strange in the
beginning when awed whispers – ‘It’s her, isn’t it?’ whenever she made
her rare public appearances in her huge trademark dark glasses, had
given way to ‘Oh, it’s her, she looks different from screen’ smiles.
In the beginning it had upset her.
She took to looking around,
taking off her glasses and then, sometimes, some middle-aged ladies
smiled at her, “Oooh, you’re Miniji, aren’t you?”
People – not the ignorant youngsters, but the ones with taste – hadn’t stopped recognizing her. Some solace.
It was one thing cribbing in her
interviews ‘I miss going to the beach by myself and have pani-puris!’
and quite another having to do without the adulation.
Now, a sigh escaped her, she
could sit here for ages and have pani-puris till she gave herself a
massive stomach - ache and nobody would bother her!
But no good thinking about that.
She listened hungrily around for Life. Her vicarious life. She could
hear snatches of conversation around her and eavesdropped unashamedly.
“I made it quite plain what I thought of her gaudy dress…”
“Did you see the dress she was wearing last night?”
“Tacky!”
“Tacky!”
“And she thinks she’s so well-dressed!”
The kitty-party types, Mini wrinkled her nose, she had never thought much of these gossipy ladies.
But she found herself agreeing
with them, most people, girls, that is, had forgotten what ‘well-turned
out’ meant these days! On a whim she started counting the blue-jeans
around her and the ones that passed her.
In ten minutes she’d counted more than 20 – age , sex no bar. From fourteen to fifty, it seemed everybody had started living in jeans. How many here, she wondered, knew that she had been the setter of this trend? At least, she smiled reminiscently, she was among the first ones who had made jeans acceptable on heroines, before that vamps were the ones who would wear western clothes while the heroines stayed covered in demure saris.
Oh, those were the days.
“I’m certainly not going to wear purple pants,” she’d stamp her heels.
“For me, dear…please and you know you look great whatever you wear…..” He’d cajole. And she agreed to everything.
In the end she did what he said
and generally it worked. Some of it didn’t, like those purple –pants,
she’d been the butt of jokes for months to come. He, on the other hand
started adorning the cover-pages of fashion magazines. Was that when
she’d started feeling manipulated?
She dragged her mind back to the present.
Yes, look at these girls –
wearing just anything, no sense of colours or style. She specially
noticed two girls, both fresh-faced, in the twenties, but so sloppily
dressed! Loose T-shirts on chinos which did nothing for their figures.
Now when she wore
westerns, she made sure everything flattered her hour-glass figure –
from the fitted shirts to the carefully tailored pants or skirts. No
one had heard of photo-shopping and what did they call it…yes…
air-brushing those days, everything depended on how well you maintained
your figure and on your dress-designer.
Tara, her dear Tara, a tailor’s daughter, had known so well what to hide and what to enhance and how! This sari she was wearing today was her creation.
Tara, her dear Tara, a tailor’s daughter, had known so well what to hide and what to enhance and how! This sari she was wearing today was her creation.
Girls today, Mini recalled some new actresses, yes, actresses, not one qualified to be called a ‘star’, all looked alike – same hairstyles, same size-zero figures, same dance-styles and even same mannerisms. They did speak better English, she conceded, but that was because most of them were from affluent families with good education behind them.
How many of them had studied in vernacular schools like her and learnt English only by sheer dint of determination?
He had been instrumental in
that, she had to admit, he had coached her patiently till she was
almost as good as him, accent and all. People had started noticing how
similar their styles and even choices of expressions were.
The problems had started around
that time, all his restrictions, his insistence to sit in through her
story-sessions, his interference – how could she forget that it had cost
her the crucial two films which had de-throned her effectively.
She never interfered with his
movies but he had started doing that as his birthright. But yes, she
had put her foot down when he had objected to working with Devraj- the
legend.
Who in their right minds
refused The Devraj? And was she glad she had done ‘Aahista’ with him,
the role of an handicapped woman standing against the world, the role
which had got her her only National award.
“Now you’ll be labeled for life
as an art-house actress!” he had jeered, “your stint as a commercial
heroine is over for good!”
“It’d have been in a few years,
in any case,” she’d countered, “now at least I have an award with me,
which,” and before she could stop herself, she found herself saying,
“which is more than what you can say for yourself…”
And that was the final nail in the coffin of the dying relationship.
And the funny thing was that though she missed him at times, she felt liberated. And she was proved right, though her hey-days as the reigning star were over, she had been recognized as a capable actress and she’d actually been among the few for whom the writers wrote magnificent roles. At least, they did till recently.
And the funny thing was that though she missed him at times, she felt liberated. And she was proved right, though her hey-days as the reigning star were over, she had been recognized as a capable actress and she’d actually been among the few for whom the writers wrote magnificent roles. At least, they did till recently.
‘Recently’, she suddenly
realized with a shock, had been quite a while. How many years had it
been since ‘Gumraah’ was made? Her brows creased with the effort but
she just couldn’t remember. Suddenly she missed the studio-lights, the
constant hum of noise, the exhilarating shouts of ‘Lights! Camera!
Action!’…. And then the inevitable applause, ‘What a shot, madam!’
But look, now she had all the
time to look after her home, plants, herself, she argued with herself
and convinced herself that it was just as well, she had needed the
rest. This gave her enough time to spend time on herself, not like her
colleagues who had let themselves go, and had become fat and grey
basking in the newfound glory of their newfound ‘granny’ status!
How many of the actresses her
age had maintained themselves as well as her? All of them were ‘plus’
sizes, Mini sniggered derisively. To think these were ‘divas’ once!! Oh
Lord!
It was perhaps the snigger that had escaped out loud, which drew the attention of the two teenagers sitting at the next bench, to her.
It was perhaps the snigger that had escaped out loud, which drew the attention of the two teenagers sitting at the next bench, to her.
“Crazy!” one of them huffed, not caring to lower her voice.
“I’ve often seen her here,” the other one said, “always dressed to the hilt, for the beach, imagine!”
“Dressed to the hilt?” the first one echoed, “in that moth-eaten satin sari, which went away with great grandma?”
“Don’t miss the pearls!” and both of them broke into raucous laughter.
“As if she was the chief-guest at some high-profile party- the grande-dame!”
Mini’s face burned. Suddenly
everything around her turned a dull grey. The soft-lights of the evening
gave way to harsh high-masts highlighting the overflowing dust-bins.
The silvery waters turned ominous grey. A huge storm cloud at the
horizon appeared to be heading landwards.
Wrapping her flapping sari
around her she walked towards her house. The few sickly plants near the
weather-beaten door were shaking off their last leaves in the wind.
About to ring the bell, Mini remembered Bhola would no longer rush to
open it, he had passed away…..when? Again she couldn’t remember. A year
ago? Or more? Running seamlessly, day after day, year after year, time
had long since ceased to mean anything at all.
She took out the rusty keys and pushed the door open.
Tearing away the suddenly
oppressing sari and necklace, she sat down on the wrought-iron cot her
vacant eyes staring at the papery white, lined face at her own
reflection in the darkening glass table.
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